Definition of individuation 1 : the act or process of individuating a(1) : the development of the individual from the universal : the state of being individuated specifically : INDIVIDUALITY
So, don't know how if I'm using it in wrong sense, but I do mean it in the merriam-webster sense.
TH, Don't know if I can do the smell nice all the time, or the teeth white. The smiling, I can do and I try.
Definition of individuation 1 : the act or process of individuating a(1) : the development of the individual from the universal : the state of being individuated specifically : INDIVIDUALITY
So, don't know how if I'm using it in wrong sense, but I do mean it in the merriam-webster sense.
TH, Don't know if I can do the smell nice all the time, or the teeth white. The smiling, I can do and I try.
In the context of your post it appeared you were using "midlife individuation" as being synonymous with "midlife crisis". Individuation is an extremely positive thing. It is similar to self-differentiation. I maintain that spouses, in order to engender a healthy marital relationship, need to be individuated. Codependency is extremely unhealthy, and even dangerous. I've known of spouses that were so codependent on their spouse, that once their spouse passed away they could not go on living. Yes, some committed suicide. Others just stop living and entered a state of waiting for death.
If you weren't using it the way I read it, then I apologize. But it is completely within the realm of possibility to be individuated, or even to individuate later in life, without necessitating the dissolution of one's marriage.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Bottom line: emotional detachment is hard because I truly, deeply love W. Given all I have on my plate professionally, I am choosing to stand by, even as I open myself to other friendships. If anything, these friendships remind me of how special W is. This may change in time, but for right now, I remain committed. She is worth the wait.
Paco, your love for your W is beautiful and it reminds me of how I'm trying to approach my own W. Both you and I are not sure how long we will stand, but we are content in making that decision each new day. I am determined to not put a timeline on myself. Perhaps I move on tomorrow. Perhaps it is years. All that matters is that we are making our decisions with confidence, grace, and kindness towards ourselves.
It sounds like you and I both have kind WAWs. I do think that makes a world of difference. So many people here are dealing with temporary monsters and I have no idea how they handle that.
Yail, Your words are so comforting. Yes, W is one of the kindest persons I know. I believe something snapped inside when she left, given the manner in which she left. I believe she does not intend to hurt. She is no monster; quite the opposite.
Perhaps you feel as I do: that given the way I continue to love W, it would be unfair to anybody else to enter into a relationship right now. But kindred spirit that you are, you can appreciate the stress that comes from holding these two impulses in equipoise: to abide by my love while trying to detach emotionally.
Steve, It was spontaneous and simultaneous for both of us.
I do not think it would be unfair to enter into a relationship - not necessarily. Only you know if you can put your love for your W in a safe box and tuck it in your mental attic for safe keeping and the occasional peek. That might continue to evolve. I do feel for myself it would be unfair, but I'm still quite raw in my hurt. Your situation has been longer than mine, so you may be at more of a point where you feel you need to make a decision for yourself.
It is stressful, I agree. I suppose that's why the "day by day" mentality is helpful to me. It removes the pressure when the stress becomes too much or when I'm trying to read the tea leaves.
A lot of people use anger as the catalyst to detaching. With a kind WAW I don't have anything for me to hit back to make myself feel justified. There's nothing to fight. I suspect my letting go period will be very long, but hopefully healthy. I don't want to make a home for hatred or bitterness, so I try to move forward carefully. I check in with my emotions daily to ask what triggered them and if they are authentic. I find naming the emotion out loud to be incredibly helpful. It's amazing how much less power "fear" or "lonely" has when you say outloud "I am feeling afraid" or "I am feeling lonely".
Yail, I am not quite ready to put my love in a safe box and move on to explore other relationships. My history with W is not easy to put into emotional storage.
I agree my W is trying her best and is not unkind. Aside from the first few months, when she blamed me for everything and went through her list of grievances dating back two decades ago (which I understand she had to do to justify walking away), she has been very civil.
Have you ever thought, in a topsy-turvy way, that it would increase the likelihood of "conversion" and reconciliation if our respective Ws were actually more monstrous? I just wonder if it will ever occur to my W that, however civil she is now, her choosing to walk away was the most monstrous betrayal of our wedding vows.
But as Sandi reminds us, the fog descends that blurs our W's judgment. Who knows if this fog will ever lift?
I agree my W is trying her best and is not unkind. Aside from the first few months, when she blamed me for everything and went through her list of grievances dating back two decades ago (which I understand she had to do to justify walking away), she has been very civil.
I had the same experience. Before W left when she was still in a "should I stay or should I go" conversation is when I heard about areas our M was lacking. She was not inaccurate in these conversations, but she wasn't willing to see me work on them either. Once W left is when she relaxed into being kind.
Originally Posted by paco123
Have you ever thought, in a topsy-turvy way, that it would increase the likelihood of "conversion" and reconciliation if our respective Ws were actually more monstrous? I just wonder if it will ever occur to my W that, however civil she is now, her choosing to walk away was the most monstrous betrayal of our wedding vows.
But as Sandi reminds us, the fog descends that blurs our W's judgment. Who knows if this fog will ever lift?
Yes, I do think so the monsters do create conversation and perhaps even a better outcome at R. I certainly couldn't say that for sure, and I refuse to believe that's the only path to R. Maybe it's just that are a greater number of monstering WAWs so therefore it looks like a greater number of them end up with a potential R. Who knows.
ya my waw/ww/mlcer whatever she is that i still havent figured out is def monsterous. She has said and done some extremely hurtful things since bd . She most def has not been nice like you guys say your w's have been. Not every encounter has been like that but a lot have. But I haven't spoken with her now for like 2 months . No interaction what so ever.
