I just feel so upset now. He was really angry with me. And I think I understand why - he feels very unsupported, has done for a long time (and yes, this is reasonable - our marriage was basically him withdrawing, being vile when I demanded emotional contact, and me shouting and crying when he didn't give me what I wanted) and then I dropped in that I was going away and needed him to step in with both kids during what is the most stressful time of his working life. I thought it was after his working period is over, but I guess that has changed and it isn't my fault that I didn't know it, but perhaps he's just too depleted and anxious and depressed to keep up with admin like that for my benefit. I guess he feels like the LBS and doesn't feel like doing husband duties once I've fired him. He mentioned these encouraging texts - said that words mean nothing, it was just lip service, it changed nothing and I wasn't going to suck him back in by sending a few texts. And I felt so hurt about that. So incredibly hurt. I know I was ambivalent about sending them - probably he's ambivalent about wanting them. And he can't reassure me because he's nothing left, and I can't reassure him because I'm too conflicted and I know he wouldn't believe me anyway. And I miss him and I feel lonely and I am angry with him and it is such a terrible mess. He's like a stranger. And I want him to come home - not this man I am in contact with now, but my actual husband. And he's just gone. And I was just trying to do something nice for myself, but I didn't think about him enough, so now he has his proof that I am this terrible selfish person and that isn't what I meant at all. I am so tired of being sad like this. And I have been trying so hard and I am so sick of him hurting me and me, apparently, making things worse even when I don't mean to. I don't want to do this any more but getting the wheels in motion on a divorce isn't going to make me feel any better either. I feel so totally trapped in this misery.
