Well that did not go well. We were speaking on the phone about something else this afternoon, and I mentioned it.
I'd booked it around the dates he had marked off for his work in the shared calendar. He said things had changed and it wouldn't work for him. I said I could move it backwards or forwards by a week if we could sort out the dates now, so I could ring tomorrow and change the booking without having to pay too much of a fee. He said his work was unpredictable and he didn't know if he'd have to travel or not. I said I appreciated he was under pressure, but so was I and I badly needed some recharge time and wanted to work with him to make sure we both got what we needed. I watched my tone - was really friendly and conciliatory and decent, and not upset or whining or needy either.
He started ranting - 'you wanted me to move out, you got what you wanted, now you're coming to me because you want support and all I need is three or four months to put this first' and I said, 'yes, I did want you to move out. And you wanted to move out too. And you are free to put your work before your marriage if you want to. I am moving forward in a different way. I am not asking you to support me. I am telling you that for a few days in a couple of month's time you need to be parenting both of your children while I make some time to support myself.'
It wasn't as horrible as it usually is, but I didn't get any resolution on dates that would be convenient for him, when I tried to get that information he started being mean or evasive again, so I just ended the call because I didn't like how he was speaking to me. And now I am thinking I should just cancel.
I think me not supporting him previously is a fair point. I also think I can't live my life now solely to avoid his anger. And yes, I did very badly want him to move out - because he was behaving like an utter jerk. And yes, a lot of his behaviour would have been reactions to his stress and my own emotional reactivity in the aftermath of his EA and so I am doing the 180 by being calm and dealing with my own feelings and being as encouraging to him in his stress as I can be. But I want my own life. I was really looking forward to that trip. And if I go ahead and take it, it's one more reason he has to hate me, one more reason he has to tell himself what an awful person I am. And I do want to give my marriage the best chance possible.
