WAS or WHAT 11

[roist]

Gordie,

Thanks for dropping by. I am glad my postings helped you. I have pondered deep on many aspects of myself and our M. That has been useful. The "what ifs" relating to W I have found to be fruitless as is any speculation. I have sought understanding which I believe I have found to a certain degree. That will do for now. Without speculating I am sure of the following regarding W:

# she is depressed/unhappy. I don't have to be a specialist to see this. But I imagine they all are like that. I just get to see it. That helps my empathy but doesn't help my situation personally. She is surely unhappy with me and TBH I am not perfect H material at the moment. But over time being shut out, I guess I am a bit out. It isn't easy to see her really upset as she is from time to time, but now I let it flow without any solving attempts.
# she is a good mother. Over the time of our crisis she has probably used the kids as a crutch. The affection she isn't giving me, she gives to them. She is so natural with her contact to comfort end connect with them. That is great to see, even if it highlights even more the lack of such with me. I have read (secretly) over a dozen books about M/R plus much more internet reading and podcasts. She has read more than me about parenting. Many the MLC has had worse preoccupations!!
# she is very interested in our family. Meals, family activities, TV series, films, outings etc. She is proactive about that and about involving me. I find it curious how she misses the point, that to be a family, being a couple is an important ingredient.
# She is still here. She has NEVER made any apparent steps towards leaving me, nor our bedroom. I am sure she has her reasons for that. I won't speculate, but I will say that despite the length of my M crisis to date, it is possible that the real BD has yet to occur!!
# She does appear to be cultivating more interests and activities around the house. She is initiating small projects and following through. This wasn't the case a few years back. I am being asked to help/participate in such projects too. This aspect of her amongst other things makes me wonder if her depression could be lifting slowly. Then again she could just be making the most of a poor situation........as I am!! Time will tell
# She has stated several times this year that she is there any time I wish to discuss anything with her. She has even demonstrated good communication skills with me. Unfortunately I get the impression that these skills and her openness are mostly to point out the error of my ways so to speak. I don't feel listened to. Some occasions I have not ceased due to timing or not being in the best mindset. So I have blocked some communication. I will look into my part in this. I believe her offers to communicate were genuine. Strangely or not I just remembered, that about six months ago, during a less pleasant exchange, I calmly said that if she was happy with our communication, good for her. For me it isn't adequate. Could be unrelated or could be a slow working reaction. All that being said, we have had no R talk in over 18 months apart from my letter last year.



Kate,

thank you too for your comments. When this all started my kids were 5 and 7. A lot of my standing was about it being best for them. Whereas there is no ideal time for parents to separate I truly believed that any time gained in postponing that would be beneficial for them. I am glad that we managed that. I still take them into consideration but believe being that much older and me being a bit more wiser, it is less critical for me now. That being said, they will remain a priority for me.