I think you have absolutely nailed it there. He reacts really strongly whenever I get upset, I was talking with my IC about how to ask for what I need when I'm upset so maybe this is a conversation I need to have when things are calm. I think he is utterly terrified of abandonment, but I don't really know what I can do about that, particularly when he won't discuss it except in the context of an R talk which is usually full of emotions. He did say during one R talk that he'd 'been abandoned all his life' which seemed like a clue to what the root of all this is. Sigh.
We haven't discussed what to say to the kids, early on I was fairly insistent that we needed to talk to them but he refused and then things just slid and so we never did, I just said that he was having problems and that he had stuff to sort out in his head. Which is true. He definitely left that up to me, he has never talked to the kids about it. He's not good at talking about emotions, that's for sure! And yes the denial, he's definitely keeping me at arms length, it is so frustrating. Maybe he really is confused. Well, I'm sure he is. I don't know, I feel a bit exhausted just thinking about what might be going on in his head when he gives me so little information. I will just try to focus on my work today and hope that we enjoy our time together tomorrow. If he's staying till early evening we'll spend a lot of time together, I'd like to make that fairly calm and pleasant.
It's hard, isn't it? Because he isn't responsible for your emotions, but he is responsible for half of the relationship, and his own emotions and healing the way his childhood trauma shows up in his adult life, and half of the parenting, and his own relationships with his children, and it sounds like he hasn't got the ability to manage his own emotions never mind contribute to a relationship, adequately emotionally connect with his children, or take responsibility for ending the relationship. That puts you in a limbo, but it also means you can concentrate on your own emotions, your own relationships with the children, and your decisions about what and when and how to go forward.
Today isn't the day for me to do it - but I think what I want to do soon is think about what changes I want to see from H. What I'd want a future R to look like, if there is one. I want to make my own 180s for myself regardless of what he does or decides - and while I hope they will have a positive effect on our situation, I want to keep them up for myself because they will benefit me no matter what happens in the future. But if he does turn around in a few months - like your H might, once he work stuff settles down - and decides he would like to R - I expect I will be a bit ahead of him in terms of development and 180s and stuff like that. Which means it is really important for me to take this time to understand what I want and need and what I am not willing to accept. I'm not in a place to do that today, but I would like to devote some time to it over the next few weeks. Have you thought about that too? I know you weren't happy in your M either, and that you're determined not to brush things under the carpet if and when he decides he wants to R. What kind of things would you be needing him to address and make changes on?
I hope you have a nice time with your H tomorrow. Do you have a work deadline today? Hope you're full steam ahead with your work. I'm working at home today too, but will get out on my work this morning to blow some of this bad feeling and cobwebs away before I start.
I think the way he does manage his emotions is to shut down, but that is a really unhealthy way of dealing with them. And you're right, he's not really properly able to contribute to our relationship or to connect with the kids. He has literally distanced himself from the people he loves the most in the world, and this has happened more and more over the years. But I think if he breaks up his marriage it will destroy him, I really do. He is a very loyal person and I can't imagine him being happy if he divorced me. Whereas I think I would get over it eventually and would use what I've learnt in a new relationship. In a way I feel like he needs me more than I need him, which is funny given he's the one who left!
Good question on what a future marriage would look like, I need to think about that though I've kind of discussed it with my IC. More intimacy. More affection. Plenty of sex. Doing things together and spending time together. No criticism. Better communication. In a funny way we are working towards the last 3 on that list and he IS making those changes, but I think the first 3 are more important to me and not possible to do when he is still so protected and living elsewhere...In a way I feel like I need to show him some vulnerability in order for him to do the same, that will be difficult for me particularly to do it in a way where I'm not overwhelmed with emotions and scary to him. Maybe I'll discuss that with my IC next week, he's keen to discuss my habit of running away when I'm upset and how to deal with that...
I extended the deadline to next Thursday, this stuff is taking lots longer than I thought. So I'd better get on with it, I will have to work a bit at the weekend too to finish it. I'm going to Zumba later which I'm looking forward to. I went swimming yesterday and thought how far I've come since I went swimming a few months ago and would cry in the pool and feel thankful that nobody noticed because my face was wet anyway. I used to cry at the end of Zumba when they played a sad song, but I haven't done that in a while. Progress
Please start a new thread and link your two threads together. Thanks!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
