Kids arrived home safely last night, full of lots of news and excitement for our trip. Lots of hugs and kisses throughout the evening for D19. Love that!
My H has potential legal trouble at work. Disgruntled employee. So, now that's to worry about too. He took out liability insurance in case there is a lawsuit. I asked him if the insurance will cover legal fees and any payout if necessary. He said yes. I verified that on the website for the insurance. Just what we need now.
I'm still considering my options for talking to H about freezing the assets vs. a "post-nuptial agreement". There is no legal separation in my state. I'll wait until after my visit with the attorney next week on how and when to proceed. I don't feel right just doing it as a done deal, and just informing him after the fact. But, as I said, I'll gather info and get advice first.
Work is busy and mostly fulfilling, but looking forward to going away. Can't wait to just be with family for 5 days.
I've managed to stop checking up on H and his OW on social media so far for Lent. There was never anything there anyway, except the only pics OW has on her page are of all of us out a 2 or 3 Halloween parties. Bit*** I'm trying to stay off completely, but that's were my updates and commentaries for my bible study are, so I just link through to only that page. I've got to stand firm on this! I think it will help with detachment a lot.
I may check in, I may not. Hang in there everyone!
I think you are very wise to seek the advice of a lawyer. They may advise that you separate your checking/savings accounts versus freezing assets.
Try to enjoy your trip. It is a much needed trip for you and the kids. Leave the worries about your h at home and focus on relaxation and fun while away.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
What a great trip! Kids and I bonded, and they bonded with my sister and their grandma and grandpa. I had a long discussion with my sister and dad (separate times) about my sitch. They do not know the dirty secrets, just that H is in a bad way and lost/depressed, whatever. My sister commented how my new found faith shows. I had a friend say something similar to me last night, that I seem to be peaceful.
I am way past my 9 days of my Trust novena that Gerda and I were doing. I have decided to continue it. There were many days I prayed it 2 or 3 times. Perhaps that is one reason why I feel like I’ve turned a corner. That, and time, I guess. The sting isn’t so bad now. I still have moments where I want to tell H exactly what I know, and my stomach churns and the butterflies take over. I think at some point I probably will, but not in a way to intentionally damage him further. I’m still praying about it.
STD test completed today. I’m not worried about it, but I’m glad it’s done. I’ll get the results in a week. I told them to test for absolutely everything! The only thing they couldn’t do was HPV, but that was part of my routine pap about 1 ½ years ago, so not too worried about it.
I haven’t heard from H in a week. I think this is the longest we have gone since he left without contact about something. Maybe that’s partly why I feel more calm. I went into FB a few times to check on some posts about my bible study. I confess that I peeked at his FB page. He posted 3 things that made me think he MIGHT be doing a bit more deep thinking. One was about despair. I will let him continue his journey. He’s off tomorrow, and taking the kids out to lunch. I will be at work, so no chance of seeing him. The kids seem to be looking forward to it. I have them until Sunday afternoon, then back to school to finish the semester. They aren’t coming home for Easter, so I might do road trip to take them out for Easter dinner. Maybe I’ll even invite H.
Tomorrow I see my 2nd attorney. She is much closer than the first. I hope I like her. I don’t think I will be taking any action now, but want to know I have someone to use when the time is right.
I’ve got some catching up to do on everyone, and maybe this weekend I’ll be able to find a bit of time. I think about you all, and pray for peace for everyone. I
Nice to see you had a great trip. And the bonding with the kids is awesome.
It is so telling when other “see” your faith - it just radiates that you are choosing better not bitter.
Don’t worry about those moments when you want to tell H exactly what you know. The butterflies and stomach churning will cease in time, as well as you wanting to tell H what you know. Guess which one you can control and which causes which? Indifference is coming Grace, stick to the high road, and follow your faith and beliefs.
I am glad you are getting tested. It will be good to ensure everything is ok, and put that to rest.
I do like you seeing a second attorney. As you said, you don’t need to, or plan to, take any action right now. It is just good to know what you can do, and to have someone already familiar with your situation.
Have a peaceful day.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
The roller coaster ride of emotions is a never ending loop. The highs, the lows, the straight-aways. I think I’ve experienced them all in the last 24 hours.
In my last post, I expressed I was doing o.k. Felt more at peace. Riding the straight-away. Today, anxiety, mixed with a bit of hurt, anger, and sorry over my sitch.
I had a great 1 hour with my attorney. I liked her, and she reassured me I was sitting pretty well in a potential future settlement, and reassured me that she didn’t see any reason to do anything now with the finances based on all the facts I gave her. She gave me some additional advice on things I can do to prep “just in case” that will save time and in turn attorney fees. This was a high.
H came to the house and took the kids out to lunch, did a little yard work. Just know he was going to come here made me anxious this morning.
He also picked up his passport.
I posted quite a while ago that he spent an hour on the phone with the cruise line we always use. I would not be surprised if he’s planning a trip with OW. Anxiety, hurt, anger, wanting to hurt him.
My low.
I know this will not go over well on this forum, and you all will advise me to just leave it alone, but I plan to ask him about his trip. Who knows. Maybe he’s not going away with her at all. Maybe he is planning to escape. He’s talked about this many times. Just selling everything, and moving near the kids and starting over. Yes, I know he could lie.
I also plan to ask him about his plans. I am even considering asking him to file for D. I want to ask these things face to face.
I don’t know if I have it in me to stand. I don’t even think I want to try to R. I feel like my whole M was a sham. He obviously has NO consideration for vows, or consideration for me as a person. As his wife. Getting his warped needs met is way more important. Meanwhile, I have to get tested for STDs and provide all the emotional support to our kids.
The butterflies are back. The anxiety is high. He’s coming back tomorrow to drop off his band gear. I’ve asked him to come when I know the kids won’t be here. He hasn’t responded yet.
Arggg! Yes both side of the roller coaster. Information from the L that you would like to implement, but no, just sit on this info for the next while. Oh the feelings that brings up. I get it, you want to do something.
The STD test. I remember mine. Hated it! I don’t like needles to start with, but it was having to do submit for the test, and I’ve never cheated, I live a proper life. Argggg!
Up / down / up / down. I understand. (((Grace)))
Please read the follow quote. A strong woman wrote this, and told me what she needs, and wants, to heal. I believe this woman, and have a lot of faith in her unrealized strength.
Originally Posted by Grace21
I don’t come on the forum to worry about advice that may seem harsh. I am looking for real advice that is helpful in interacting with H and getting me through this crisis. Advice to let me see other perspectives when I am blind by my hurt and despair.
You are blinded at the moment. Feelings are fleetings. Stop feeding them.
Originally Posted by Grace21
I don’t know if I have it in me to stand. I don’t even think I want to try to R. I feel like my whole M was a sham.
Of course you feel that way right now. A visit with the L and an STD test - ya that is going to stir you up.
Look at what you wrote. You “feel” like your M was a sham. It is a real feeling. It is completely justified. It feels real! Acknowledge it, hug it tight, and make it your own. Damn straight it feels bad.
Now, let it go. It is just a feeling. Find your thoughts and beliefs - not just yet - you’re still emotional highjacked and your feelings will alter them. Just wait a while.
For what it is worth. I know you have it in you to stand! Don’t doubt yourself.
Standing really starts when you are strong enough to walk away. Standing is not for H, or M. It is for you.
Originally Posted by Grace21
He obviously has NO consideration for vows, or consideration for me as a person. As his wife. Getting his warped needs met is way more important.
Be accurate. This is not obvious. You feel it is. At best you are guessing what he feels and what are his motives. You’ve read posts from the other side, from reformed MLCers. They were not happy. They knew how bad they were, and how much they were hurting the very people they love. And they still did it, completely driven to such desperate behaviour. H is running from some really big demons.
You are trying looking at this rationally again, you can’t. This is a trap we LBS fall into as we gain some understanding and start to heal. A few things happen. First, we start to normalize what we are going through, what we are living. A completely normal and healthy response, since we are living it. That starts us to try to figure it out. Keep the focus on you. There are many reasons for that advice.
At this point we are still tied to our spouse and incorrectly project that if we have healed this much than they should have too, or at least made some progress. Their path is different than ours. You will heal far quicker than your spouse.
As detachment, healing, and indifference takes hold we start to feel happy again. We start to think about our new, and forced upon us, life. We start thinking maybe I want a different new life. We get tempted. Our feelings, passions, and desires have been quashed for some time, and as they re-emerge, they do tend to look and feel larger than they really are.
Originally Posted by Grace21
I want to get off the roller coaster.
To find the exit:
Don’t ask him about his trip.
You are fighting your addiction to H. And make no mistake it is a fight!
Every stroll down memory lane, every text, every peek on social media, every bit of snooping all pull you back a bit. All those feed your feelings and the chemicals that your R produced and used to course through your brain.
You fight your way to the exit using reason and logic. Get in your intellectual car, and make decision from there. Use your intellect to find your values and beliefs. Pure intellect is not swayed by emotion.
Look at this logically and reason out what good will it do you to confront him. Your L told you she didn’t see any reason to do anything right now.
Find and feed your beliefs. You are getting to the stage where you are going to need them. When indifference really takes hold all kinds of feelings fill that void that one’s spouse use to fill. Get a firm grasp on your beliefs before you get there.
From my experience, your reaction is quite normal.
A lot of advice will be counterintuitive and feel wrong. Many people have given this advice from much hard earned wisdom.
Focus on you. Wait at least 48 hours before replying. Feelings are fleeting. You have the gift of time, use it wisely. Be patient. Breathe. Let go. Follow your beliefs.
Do you still remember your headings and the destination?
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
