Thanks for you advice and encouragement guys, this board is the only thing that keeps me from going to the sluts house and strangling her.
I didn't call him all day at work yesterday, he called me just as he left for no particular reason. I had a doctors appoinment and got home about 1 hour later than usual. When I got home he was all worried about where I was, he had forgotton about the doctor. Anyways he asked me to hug with him on the couch and he kept kissing me. I told him that I had a bad day with the traffic and I had a headache.
He tried to take care of me and make me feel better. Then he started with the R talk. He asked me if I get mad at him when he goes with OW. I said no, that I get sad and jealous. He hugged me and said that OW is jealous of me too. I said she has no right to be jealous, that I am his wife. He said 'but we are separated now'. I said so what?
The affair started 3 months ago, we have only been separated for 1 month. She told you that she didn't care if you were married or not, she doesn't care about what she is doing to me or our child or our home etc... I said why would he want to be with someone who places so little value on marriage? He put his fingers to my lips and said shhh, he said that I shouldn't speculate about her, that this situation is all his fault not OW, that he told her he wasn't happy at home, I said it doesn't matter, she knew you were married.
He asked me if I thought OW loved him, I said I think she believes that. He asked if I thought that he loved OW? I said I think you believe that you do, but that the two of you don't really know each other in the real world. He said what did I mean by that? That they know each other well. I got mad and told him that if he is so sure about it then go and be with her. (dumb response on my part, I explained myself better in an email I sent today, you'll see it later in the post....)
Anyways he asked why I still ML with him, knowing about OW? I said why do you still ML with me when you say you would rather be with her? He said he guesses we are both the same, (not sure what that meant) I asked him if he is happier with her? He said yes. I asked him if he thinks he will be happy without me? He said he doesn't know, that right now he is spoiled because I am still here. And then he said even though we are separated he is still 'here' too.
He said he does love me, (He always says he loves me, but not in love) I didn't question which kind of 'love' he meant. Anyways we went outside and sat on the stairs and looked at the stars together. I told him that he shouldn't leave OW for me, that he needs to do it for himself, if that is what he decides. He got angry and asked me how come I am so brave now? That I have been telling him to leave her all this time! I said that wasn't true, that I only said that when I first found out (before I knew about DB). I told him that I understand that if he leaves her, it doesn't mean that he will come back to me.
He sat on the stairs and asked me to sit in front of him, then he put his arms around me and we talked and joked around. It was really nice. Then we went inside and ML.
After he told me that whenever we ML, he feels bad after.
I said why? He said he feels bad for me. I told him not to feel bad, that if I feel uncomfortable with ML I will tell him. I don't know why he feels this way? Is it really guilt for me - feeling sorry for me? Or is it feeling sorry for himself for what he will be losing? Does ML with me make him realize that maybe he is still in love with me and can't be totally in love with OW? I think it confuses him.
Anyways I sent him this email today, I know it isn't good to talk about his R with OW, but he asked me last night and I didn't really have a chance to think of a response. By the way even though we had a wonderful night, he is going out with OW tonight.....
"I was thinking about what you were asking me yesterday, and as usual my brain wasn't functioning properly and I couldn't
express my feelings. You asked me if I thought that the two of you were in love with each other. I told you that I understand that you both believe that. I know that you are happier when you are with her, I know you are attracted to her, and I know you care about her.
But I know why the grass looks greener over there. Right now all you guys do is eat, drink and party. If that is all we did, we would be the happiest couple on the planet. But that is not reality. You guys don't have to deal with the stress of everyday life. What is the biggest decision you have to deal with? Which restaurant to go to? You don't have to worry about money, raising a child, taking care of a home, dealing with family stress etc.... Right now, you both see each other at your best, of course it seems wonderful. What do you have to argue about?
I am taking on half the stress of real life from you and you know it. Without me you will have to deal with all the problems on your own, without my support. How well do you think your new found love will hold up against the pressure of everyday life?
You told me that right now you are spoiled because you have both of us, but how long will this go on? Eventually you will have to decide which life you want. I don't know if you will choose to try work on building a new relationship with me or if you will stay with her. Either way you need to think about what you are losing. Remember I told you that the longer you stay with her the harder it will be to break up with her, at least she doesn't work with you any longer so you won't have any reason to be in contact with her. You think that we are 'torturing' each other by staying in the same house. Don't kid yourself, it won't be any easier if we part. Divorce is not the easy way out, it is very painful and effects the entire family.
I am going to continue to respect your wishes, and leave you alone. You need to figure out what you should do."
This may set me back, but it needed to be said. I will continue to avoid talking about OW and R unless he brings it up....
