I was thinking about your situation last night, Dilly. You talked about your emotional reactivity, and the effect of hormones, etc - and it is possible your husband is keeping you away from his flat because he's scared of you? I don't mean to suggest that you're dangerous or violent - but only that he might be intimidated by strong emotions? It isn't that he is abandoning his family like his mother did, but he's been afraid that you're going to abandon them all - with the reactivity and distancing - and him moving away and keeping you close but at arm's length, and getting panicky when you aren't where you're supposed to be or where he wants you to be - well, it's all on his terms, and is perhaps a way to stop that abandonment he's so terrified of?
Maybe not. You know him better than me. And I guess having a theory about what is going on in his head doesn't change what your best course of action is today.
Have you and H discussed what it is you are telling the children about your separation? They sound older, and like they'd have their own independent lives and relationships with him anyway. But is this something else he's just left for you to deal with?
It looks to me, from the outside, that there's a bit of denial going on - that he's moved out, he refuses to let you access to his space and he refuses to talk about the future. There's very little physical contact but he wants to act married. And there's to be no talk about it to the kids, who might be in the dark about what is happening. Is he like this in other areas - just not really able to accept reality or running away from emotional life into his work?
