When I think about doing that at the moment I think about all the times in the past where I've asked, suggested, hinted, organised, taken control, begged, pleaded for some kind of emotional connection, time spent together, eye contact, him to actually have a conversation with me at some point between getting in the house, opening up his computer and playing games, then going to sleep. How much I've hated myself for staying with a man who, for whatever reason, refused to actually leave, refused to say he didn't want to be in the relationship, but totally disconnected from me then got angry when I got upset about it. I'm still humilated that I tolerated that for so long, and though a consciousness of my own faults and genuine love and pity for him as he is today keeps me sending these supportive texts he's asked for, my fear of being stuck, attached to a man who doesn't or can't want me, outweighs my desire to approach him more.
I pursued him for years. And his usual responses are 1) passive aggression - saying he wants to spend time together, then going out or going to bed and saying he forgot 2) blame - saying he'd want to spend time with me if only I weren't so awful 3) evasion - changing the subject, redirecting the conversation, not replying to text messages 4) aggression if I point out what he's doing and demand a direct and truthful conversation - by which I mean shouting and name calling and belittling and slamming doors because I'd 'put him under pressure' and 'wound him up' by asking him to act like a husband or at the very least an adult.
I am not sure I want to risk putting myself through that again. He's perfectly civil when I am sending these supportive texts and asking for nothing. When I ask for something, he says he will then forgets or doesn't bother (like the goodnight texts) and I know what his other strategies are to avoid being vulnerable or giving anything to me and I can't bear to be exposed to them today.
I am sad because I am not sure we are making progress, not really. I think perhaps he's just doing a better job of training me to give him what he wants and accept that we're in a relationship where I don't get what I want.
I sent encouraging text this morning. Cordial reply. I can feel the old resentment starting to gather and I am wondering if it would be better for me just to drop the rope and go dark. I cannot, cannot be in the same boat as I was before I kicked him out - with me trying to cajole him or nice him into being remotely interested in me.
