Grey Havens

[Zues126]

Hi Twofeet. The only thing I said in text was "As for our past, I know we both have regrets. Anything that pushes us to be better today is great, no time for anything that weighs us down. We've both worked hard to take care of the children and keep things calm and stable for them. I'm glad we could provide that for them and they know their parents love them enough to put them first in all things."

She had bombed me with a lot of questions about schedules and other things, I just worked this into the reply. Probably the most I've said to her since BD.

I had to do a lot to get to meh. All of the questions you can't seem to let go of bounced around my head. How could she do this? Why is the world like this? Where did I go wrong? And on and on and on. It was like a scab I couldn't leave alone. The pain was so strong I couldn't help but ruminate and spin.

I think for me to move past this required two things. First, I had to beat those questions to death. I wrote about them endlessly on this forum. I read books and other people's situations. I talked with friends. I reflected. And so forth. At some point your brain loses interest. Like when you play a ring puzzle game, where you have to get the metal ring off the other metal contraption. You play with it for a while, then at some point you realize you're stuck and are out of things to try, and you just lose interest. You put it down and move on.

But secondly, and maybe more importantly, you have to move forward with your life until you are no longer in pain. As long as I was suffering because of her choices it was hard to let this stuff go. So while I was financially destitute and felt hopeless about my ability to provide to my children while paying the amounts of support the courts had ordered it was very hard. And while I was only seeing my kids one night a week and every other weekend it was even harder. While we were in the middle of the divorce negotiations and I constantly had to be on guard and spend hours planning my next move like some life and death chess game. Etc. While this was going on it was hard to be totally at peace. But eventually I got through it. The divorce was settled. I got 50% parental time. My finances stabilized. And I fell into a nice rhythm with my new life. I got to the point that my life was good again. And from that spot, it is much easier to let go of the past than when you're still suffering because of it.

This is why I believe GAL is so important. It's like we all have a certain amount of needs that need to be met as a human. When we were married many of them were satisfied by our spouse. Emotional needs, physical needs, help with life's daily battles, and so on. After BD there are not only real losses to grieve, but you are suffering from not getting your needs met. GAL allows you to meet new people, find new activities, build a new routine. It's not about rebounding, heavens no, absolutely not. But it's about finding a new way to live where you get what you need from life somewhere else.

I think both worked together. I worked hard to move forward, and once the pain of the divorce and it's immediately consequences had passed things got easier. This and I had beat those questions to death enough that I could let it go once I was no longer in pain.

Now I look at her more like a shelter dog that I took in that bit me and I had to get rid of it. I wouldn't be mad at the dog. But I wouldn't want to bring it back into my house. If it came by my house once in a while and started barking at me I'd feel a bit sad that this creature was suffering, but I wouldn't take it personal. The dog obviously had issues that extended beyond me and it's too bad.

Hope this helps and sorry you're dealing with this crap. I may have moved on, it may not keep me up at nights anymore, but I'll be the first one to agree that everything about it stinks to the core. Hang in!