Most of the time my H is very loving and comforting to me about this situation. But last week when he was breaking up with OW, he asked me to go for a drink. I kept the conversation light, he brought up our R. He was talking about things that happened as far back as 3 years ago, when we got married. He told me how angry he was about some of the wedding decisions I made. I defended my actions, and we argued a bit. I told him that he shouldn't be harbouring all this anger and resentment towards me, that he should have told me. But I should have just validated his feelings.
A few days later we talked again and I told him that I was sorry for misinterpreting him when he was trying over the years to tell me he was unhappy. I told him that I didn't understand what he needed, and that I do NOW. But, that he has already turned to someone else for his needs. He then told me that he tried to break up with OW so many times but he can't. I asked him what was it about her that he liked so much? (I wanted to find out what he gets out of their relationship) He just said that she keeps crying every time so he goes back to her (guilt is his biggest motivator).
Anyways again this week he is angry at me, I am trying to not react negatively to it, but it is hard.
My question is - if I turn around and accept the blame for our problems (I have already admitted that I was in the wrong), doesn't that give him justification for his A? If he believes that most of this is my fault, and I agree, then he has no reason to feel guilty for his actions. How do I accept responsibility for my part, but still let him know that what he is doing is wrong too?
He is now expressing anger and resentment that has been burning up inside him for years - is it good that he is bringing it out in the open? Is this part of the healing process? Or does repeatedly expressing it keep it in the foreground? I know it is something that he has to deal with but what actions can I do on my part to help him get past it?
