Got a life, now what?

[97Hope]

Just venting here. Two instances that H have done that seem similar and wondering who else deals with this and how. 1st time I was helping a friend at their restaurant where my S17 is working and my phone rang, He answered the phone said "It was H. He asked about rain and sounded pissy". I didn't call him back, was busy. Went home at 9:30 took shower, as I'm getting out I heard the phone again.
H: what did you tell S21?
W: I confirmed that you moved out.
H: blah blah he just crucified me
W: blah blah I'm sorry he was harsh with you, it sounds like he was upset that you haven't talked to him
H: I talk to him!
W: Ok. I don't want to argue.
end of convo.

I have decided that based on that and several similar convos that I will just use the bag of tricks that I found here on another thread and not discuss my convos with our grown kids.

Second ugly episode. H comes over frequently to help at the ranch. I asked him if all I needed to do for the following day was feed the horses and he replied "don't worry about it. I'll probably come over". This discussion took place as he was leaving for the night.

Next day, S17 and I went to lunch, ran errands and grocery shopped. Was fun. Returned home, H was there finishing up feeding. He was in a mood, so I smiled, said hello and went into the house. H and S stayed on front porch talking. I was in MBR sitting on bed and H knocked on door. Poked his head in and I said "I will be out in one minute". He said "it's ok, i'm taking off"

I receive a text 5 minutes later "please call me when you have a minute". I called him back and he was furious.

H: did you NOT remember me saying that I wanted to spend time with S17 when I came over today?
W: No. The convo as I remember it was "..."
H: I specifically said that I wanted to see him!
W: Did you let him know that?
H: Yes.
W: I can not be responsible for you and him getting together.
H: I am not asking you to!
W: In the future, work out time together with him. I promise not to interfere.
H: blah blah angry i told you this blah blah
W: Ok thank you. I have to go


These are typical convos in our R, however, only recently in the past year have I been able to (mostly) not get ticked off with him and yell back. And I am the queen of being ugly.

For a while I have known that he views me as the enemy, but I don't want a pattern to emerge where something he doesn't like goes down like this each time. Part of the process? Any tips from you old-timers? I realize this is about control, but my IC advised me not only not to let him have any power over me, but to get my own power back, i.e. letting him come and go to my own emotional detriment.

For sure, he is VERY controlling. Money, time, everything. I am only now willing/able to stand up for myself. But I know me...I don't trust that I can always be calm and rational when being blamed for something I didn't do, or treated like/spoken to like trash because his world isn't awesome. I was tempted to say "have another drink" which would be the lowest blow to him and not how I want to live anymore.