Grey Havens

[Zues126]

Coconut- I've been less than certain about boundaries with my ex road partner. We kept our distance for about three months, from October until January. Then I saw him at a pool tournament. At first he didn't really talk to me, but that was just because we didn't know what was appropriate. Then, finally, we sat next to each other and caught up a bit. It's difficult for me because I've known him for over 10 years since he was a teenager and we have spent a lot of time together and know each other well. We kept things light, joked around a bit, and that was all.

Then my other road partner that I travel to bigger tournaments with pulled the plug on pool and said he was done playing. He's still my best friend, but he just can't do it. Too hard for him to play, because when he competes he wants to play his best so bad that it makes him want to quit his job, divorce his wife, and just lock himself in a room with a pool table until he can beat everyone in the world. Since he can't do that he feels like he's always just a shell of what his true potential is, and it's too hard for him to play mediocre, lose, and then have to go home and go back to work when he just wants to practice. He admits he can't handle the balance and of course he's not choosing pool over family.

So that leaves me with no road partner at all. I decided that instead of trying to find one person that wants to go to a series of tournaments with me, I'd just go on my own or have someone ride with me a la cart. If I'm playing a tournament I'll just invite a few people to see if anyone wants to ride with me and split the hotel, but I won't have a partner. The two reasons for this are 1) no one else can keep up with the tournament schedule I want to play and I don't want to have anyone pull me down, and 2) everyone else has things that make me draw some boundaries such as an active affair, or in the case of others drug use, alcoholism, etc. Just no one I want to be all that close to.

But then I thought about it and realized that maybe I can relax my boundaries a bit if I'm just riding to one tournament together. For example, the guy that does a lot of drugs (steroids, beta blockers, adderal and other prescription speeds, etc). I might not want to partner up with him, but if he wants to practice with me prior to a tournament I'm ok with that, or maybe even going to a tournament together. I've known him a long time, I'm not worried he's going to suck me into that world. And so I made the same decision with the guy in the affair. We can't put the band back together, but I'm not going to cut him completely out of my life. We can talk when we see each other, and I decided to even go to a single tournament with him. I am trying to find a balance of surrounding myself with good people and making sure I don't endorse destructive behavior, along with being quietly in the background of my friends that are going through difficult times, even when they're self inflicted. Maybe I can be a good influence on them to a degree, and maybe our friendship can be there, dormant, until the situations change a bit.

For that reason I did go to a tournament with this guy in February. We had a good time and kept things light. On the way back he brought up relationships. I wasn't going to bring it up, but once he did we talked about it for 3-4 hours. I'm not going to change his behavior, but at least by remaining connected to some small extent I can voice my opinions, whereas if I wrote him off entirely he wouldn't hear my voice at all. Again, we don't have any other tournaments we're planning to travel to together, but I think we can stay in touch once in a while and I'm not ruling out the possibility of going to another with him this year.

All in all, tricky balances, I'm not sure what's right, so I'm trying to be there for a friend and be a good example, while protecting myself from his destruction and not enabling his choices. I'm not sure I'm doing so well, but I'm still sorting through it. Really tricky to know.

Juju- here are some excerpts from XW's texts:

-Sad I can't be with u due to circling on calendar of Oct 10 (divorce date). I will never forgive myself for breaking the cardinal sin. Sorry. Not where this was supposed to go. I'll never forgive myself. I'm sorry and ty for taking care of kids when they aren't here. One day I hope to be worthy of supporting them. And dammit for no facial hair before that I like, wish u asked what I wanted...bet if I told you now as a single guy you wouldn't judge me so harshly. I met a Catholic lady tonight I drove home from bar. It's just hard.
-Can we do mediation when the maintenance is up? I love you and don't want to fight.
-I'm just so broken about us...My bad

There were a few other things, like her using my name more often, and her overall tone seemed much friendlier. This was in January and has tapered off.

We're on the same page. It was a non-event, only made the update as an afterthought because you have all been through this ride with me. I have no doubt she's messaging half a dozen different guys flirty messages in between expressions of regret. Or maybe not. Who knows? I hope she can keep her stuff together for her sake and for my kids' sake, but it's no longer my concern and I feel that way in my heart, not just my head.

On a different note, I booked tickets for my family to go to a play performing Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory at a nice theater on Sunday. It was pricy but I have never taken them to a musical and this will be fun. Let's begin with a spin travelling to a world of my creation, what we see will defy explanation! (I'm a pure imagination groupie )