Still not feeling brilliant. Headache, cough and general lethargy all week. I an going to give the meds a go and if not back to normal by Monday, I will go back to the doctors and get a blood test to make sure it's nothing more serious. Maybe it's because I've been ill that my emotions are a little raw and things seem more hopeless at the moment. I know that I have been distancing myself more and more, though I am trying not to make drastic decisions until my health and my emotions even out.
We have for some time now been having work done on the garden. It was put on hold over the winter months (weather wasn't suitable for outdoor work) but the builder got in contact last weekend about restarting and on Tuesday, he came round to discuss what else needs doing. There is a list of things which need to be done, but because I don't know if I am staying, I told him I am reluctant to invest much more in the house. In the past, conversations would have been around using quality materials for longevity, sustainability and aesthetics, now, it was about keeping costs down without compromising saleability. I just wanted to get it done, cheaply and quickly, so if/when I had the house valued, it would improve the likelihood of a good sale. It was sad, but it seemed natural.
My H and I have a little bit of money set aside for the work. It is running low and unlikely to cover what still needs to be done. I know if I ask him he will not put up any money. I am considering paying the difference and then taking it out of his share of the sale of the house (if it comes to that). I am not sure what I need to do to guarantee this. I would, presumably, need him to agree to it before the work commences. It's difficult because this would undoubtedly start an R conversation of sorts as we would be talking about the future sale of the house. The few times we've done this we have ended up in an R conversation which moves to the D conversation, I have ended up crying, and not a lot is achieved.
The builder is best friends with my H's real dad (his mum remarried) and mentioned to me that H's dad is really cut up about what's going on. This is the first time in a long time that anyone in the family has directly said anything to me. Mostly, it's like everyone pretends that it's all perfectly normal for us to live under separate roofs. TBH, my MIL and SIL don't speak to me other than to talk about childcare logistics. My MIL won't even come in when she stops by. She says "Sorry FS, I'm just dropping the girls off. I can't stop" before I even have the door open. I know they don't dislike me. They are embarrassed and a little upset I guess that I am moving on - they know I have every right, but they don't want to have it shoved in their faces
I am getting on better with D12. We have even laughed occasionally this week. Nothing major. No hugs or declarations of love from her, but there has been few tantrums and I even occasionally get a "thank you" or a "please".
They have been with me most of the week, but are spending tonight at their dads, then back with me tomorrow, then there dads Saturday and Sunday. I then have them all next week (until Friday). As you can see, childcare is still all over the place and I don't see it changing anytime soon. His work roster is always going to be irregular and I am always going to have to absorb the irregularity. I did send him a text when he changed the plans again at the last minute (he text to say he was going to pick up the girls even though it wasn't his day) saying that I don't mind, that the girls loved seeing him, but that changing plans at the last minute mucks things about for everyone. There was some defensive back and forth, but he eventually agreed to give more notice.
