Well, he spent friday night with her, he had to work saturday, when he came home he asked me if he could go out with some friends from work, he said he wouldn't stay out all night. I was surprised and said 'why are you asking me permission to go out?' I said I didn't think it was a good idea because he was so tired from work, but if he really wanted to go, then go. He told me he asked if I was okay with him going out cause he didn't want me to be mad at him.
I told him I am not going to get mad at him, that it is his choice what to do with his time.

Before I found out about OW, he would tell me that he was going out with his friends, etc.. but he was really going with her. For the past month, since he decided to be 'separated' from me, he has not given me any explanations of his wearabouts or who he is with - and I haven't asked. I found it strange that he felt the need to tell me this info, and that he said he wouldn't stay out all night.

However, he didn't show up, I woke up sunday morning and I decided that I needed to find out if I could trust him when he actually bothered to tell me what he was doing. I drove over to OW house and waited to see if he would show up. About 45 mins later I see him drive by to drop her off at her home. (I don't know where they go all night, I think they go to one of her friends houses, or sleep in the car)


After he dropped her off I drove up behind him and called him on the cell, he didn't answer. I didn't follow him home, instead I just started driving. He called me on my cell, he asked what I was doing in that part of town. He had seen me behind him. I asked him what he was doing there? He ignored me and asked why did I drive off instead of following him home? I said cause I felt like it. He said we should go for coffee and talk.

I met him at a coffee shop. He got out of the car and hugged me. He asked me why I was checking up on him. I simply told him that when he didn't show up, I wanted to know if I could believe him when he tells me something. I said why did you bother to tell me anything? Why did you say you were going with your friends, but then stay out all night with her?

He said he was originally with his friends, but then met up with her after. (bullshit) He said he was planning on coming home, but was too drunk and fell asleep. I told him that he better be using protection like he said he was because I didn't want either of us to catch a disease. He said he didn't have sex with her last night, and doesn't do it with her often, but that WE no longer needed to have sex if I was worried about it. I said okay. His cell phone rang while we were talking, he checked the display, then rolled his eyes as if irritated and didn't answer. Later I checked his phone and seen that it was her calling.

I didn't get mad and yell the way I usually do when I am mad about OW or his behaviour. I was just quiet and told
him that he should spend more time with our son, instead of with her. That if he didn't want to be with me - fine, but don't let OW affect his time with our kid. He said he wasn't doing that - I pointed out the last few times he went with OW instead of doing something our son wanted to do. Then he agreed and said I was right.

We left and went home, he hugged me and suggested we take a shower, asked me if I wanted to take one together, I said yes. Afterwards we ML, even though earlier he said we wouldn't.

Then we went as a family for dinner with my parents. They don't know what is going on, H agreed to continue acting as if we were okay. My brothers wedding is in a couple of months and we are to pretend that we are okay until after that. I don't want to upset everyone before that, also I can't deal with their questions or judgements right now. Part of me is hoping that we will be better by then.
Anyways, dinner was fun and we all had a good time, even H.


When we got home we watched tv for a bit then went to the room. I thanked my H for coming with me, told him I appreciated it. He used to say that I didn't appreciate the time he spent with my family.

H mentioned that he is a little mad at me for following him this morning. I told him I understand, that this was just as hard for him as it was for me. That we are both hurting. (normally I would have started fighting with him about OW)

We ML again, he told me again that I am the only person that excites him to such a high level. I asked him why did he think that was? He said he didn't know. I wanted to tell him that maybe that's because we were made for each other, but I stopped myself. This morning he was nice, not cold, but a little distant.

I can't help feeling that we are simultaneously moving forward and backwards. It's NOT like we take one step forward, then one back, it's happening at the SAME time. He is getting closer to me now that I am d'bing, but at the same time he is spending more time with OW???? WTF??? I know I have to be patient, but it is hard to tell what is working and what isn't.

I know I shouldn't have checked up on him, but I also wanted him to know it's not okay to lie to me, that he doesn't need to. It also gave me the opportunity to react with a 180, instead of freaking out like I usually do, I was calm and friendly. Which in turn stopped him from his usual yelling and defensive remarks.


I am thankful for the baby steps:

- he checked to see if I was okay with him going out.

- he slept in our room again, not on the couch. (Hasn't attempted sleeping on the couch for over a week)

- we showered together at his request (something he has tried to avoid doing with me)

- we ML twice, even though he said we wouldn't anymore.

- He bought me flowers for mother's day (from our son).

- He was very curious about my whereabouts when I went out.

negative steps:

- He went out 3 times this week with OW. Even though he 'broke up' with her last week. (he doesn't know I know about the break up) He has spent more time away from home in the past few weeks then ever before.

- He asked me why I still love him and ML with him when he is doing 'bad' things? That I should find someone else.

- He lied to me about his plans (or is this a baby-step cause he actually bothered to make an excuse even though he isn't required to?)

- He stopped calling me at work, he used to call me frequently when I was upset about OW, to comfort me. Now that I have backed off, he doesn't call as often??

I guess I should just continue my efforts for another week or so to determine what is working, but it's so hard to tell, because they seem to bringing us closer, but at the same time he is spending more time with OW. I guess I need to figure out what actions lead to consistent improvements?