Thanks for the words of support and encouragement. I am accepting that it is going to take time and constant effort to make progress in this new chapter in my life. Rejection, I am learning, is a part of the growth process. I have been talking to WW's uncle again (who also went through something similar as what I am going through) and he told me that the feelings I am getting from rejection is a healthy part of this process. I have been very happy at what I have been able to accomplish in the last month and a half. Both dates/meetings were significant milestones and has elevated me to a level that I have never imagined. I know there will come a time when I get burned out and will need to step back and take a break, but I need to remind myself of what I want and to keep going after what I want.
Journaling:
The next day, I woke up feeling a little blue (down there too). I noticed what behavior I was getting into and worked on doing a 180 on it and turn it around. I was able to make myself feel a little better and got a little better as the day progressed. WW called about the legal separation papers and what we will need to do to get it going and finalized. I will be honest, even though I know it's coming, and I know it's necessary for the closure process, I still get pangs of pain and sadness. It's not as severe as it was when it first started happening, but it is still there. To have it be much more milder is demonstrative that my healing is on track.
As the end of the workday approached, I got a notification that the online Meetup was cancelled. I started to wonder what I was going to do now that I am not attending the session. Then I realized that I still had my nice clothes in the car, and I will do what I have done previously when my planned date nights were cancelled - I am going to dress up and have fun anyway. I changed into my clothes, and did a Google search of events happening in Portland. I found a small venue playing jazz at a wine bar. I drove myself there, paid for a seat, and got myself situated. As more people streamed into the event, I realized that the folks were much older than I was. Seeing this, I paid for my drink and decided to look for some dinner. I was originally going to find a sit-down restaurant but I realized that I would be by myself and the opportunity to socialize would likely not be there. So instead I went to a well known pub. I was hoping that I would have the opportunity to talk to some folks there. I sat at the bar and made myself comfortable. Alas, the opportunity to socialize and flirt never materialized, so I just ordered and ate at the bar by myself. As I was leaving, I made eye contact with an attractive women. We looked at each other in the eye for a few moments and exchanged smiles. In hindsight, I should have said "Hello" or "Have a great evening!" but I did not. Oh well. I walked around the area for a little bit, trying to find talking opportunities. No luck. I got myself a drink and drove home. End night.
No GAL plans from now through the weekend. It's mostly me and D5. The weather is going to be pleasant, so I am going to see what we can do.
I am working on 180ing my old attitude. I will not rejection or a sad trigger send me into a depression spiral. I am consciously changing my attitude and mood. It seems to be working well so far.
