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She had asked during the dissolution of marriage talks if I was okay with her keeping her part time job while she got her master's. I told her that if we got divorced, that was not any of my decision on what she did since I would be required to pay spousal support for 3 years and that is it. On this separation, it is up to her as well if she wanted to get a full time job or what but that is up to her (she won't).


Maybe she was asking if it was okay, b/c it would affect how much/little time she would be available to keep the kids?

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I was dumbfounded that she is surprised I am focused on the OM. If there was no more OM, I would not be as angry. But the fact that she has openly said she would not get rid of the OM and says stuff like I am taking a "step back" (whatever that means), I would continue to be angry and upset while in the house. This S has a lot to do with her refusal to cut off all contact with him.


The two of you do have a communication problem, don't you? Have you not made it clear that this whole separation thing about your boundary of not being in an open MR? It doesn't sound as if you did. Why else would she be so surprised you are focused on the OM? The reason she's going to give for the S will be Anthony's issues. I think you need to brace yourself, b/c that's the excuse she'll probably give family & friends. "She just couldn't take living with Anthony any longer". So now, if you try to tell her it's b/c she did not honor your boundary.........it won't have any strength behind it. I thought you had already made that clear, but it is sounding as if she made the decision to leave and you just agreed to it without ever mentioning your boundary. If that's the truth, then don't try to come back at her now about her disrespecting your boundary, b/c she won't see the S as a consequence for dishonoring that boundary. Am I making sense? Yes, go ahead and physically S, but it's too late to say anything about it being the result of her affair. Just don't even try to have another conversation along those lines. Not now.

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She had the real big chance to file for D after Tuesday's blow up which I realized sounded controlling on how I came about it. This is a new 180 that I need to fix ASAP. She even called to schedule an appointment. We talked when she got home and that is when we decided to continue the S. It could have been a bluff but it was definitely heated. She yelled big time in front of the kids. She admitted yesterday that she had so much anger, that she wanted to hit me (she said that this was the first time she felt that being sober since most of the time she hit me, she was drinking or drunk).


Sometimes, the H tries to say something to his W that was worded to him on the board. But some of that stuff can't be said to the WW, b/c it will sound controlling or whatever to her. Okay, so let's try to get past all of that and look at your plan. I think your goal is good, but may need a little fine tuning. Work on yourself......absolutely. Focus on healing your inner child or whatever issues from the past is causing problems in your adult relationships. If you really work on just Anthony's issues, there may be no time to focus on your WW.....which will be good. And here's the thing, you can't really heal as long as you are watching her and her personal life. It's going to be like a hot poker sticking in your heart. The best route to take is to let her go.

Let her go. Don't fret over little things. Don't try to control how much cake she eats. Do what you think is fair and considerate, and don't try to make her feel something.....b/c you can't. Trust me, if you really let her go, she'll sense it. It's the biggest thing you could do to provoke her having a sense of loss for you. B/c if you genuinely let her go, she has lost you.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!