Settling In (LB55 Thread 3)

[LB55]

Journaling...

Today I am to get a ride from W from my new place to the house to pick up the motorcycle. Its nice that she can help me out with that, and it will greatly reduce my cost of commuting and improve my parking options. (i have a long bed 4 door truck as my primary transportation) I am kind of nervous about it, even with the positive vibes the past few days. I am still kind of shell shocked from the whole ambush that was the serving of papers at Christmas. Its going to take a long time for me to be able to trust her.

I read through some emails I saved from last year while deployed, saying how much she trusts me, how she can't imagine a relationship without me, how moving forward in our life and relationship after the military is going to be amazing, how good of a dad I have been, how she is so lucky to have found someone that took her in even with her history of issues, she can't imagine what life would be like if we hadn't met, etc. It was a time in which we opened up to each other more than we ever had about things, it was so refreshing, she confessed a bunch of things that had been bothering her stemming from childhood, I told her a bunch of things including issues with my family growing up, it was truly amazing. We were able to talk via email about things that we never felt comfortable bringing up before and we both felt so much relief from sharing those with each other. These emails were from Jan-Aug 2018. They did allow us to actually have in person conversation about some of it too, and that was really a healthy dynamic. I was seriously looking forward to returning to a much healthier marriage than I left. We were good but had always had communication issues. Thought we were slowly overcoming some of those with the more open and honest communication. We both said that this might just be the best deployment i have ever been on. Between August and November everything changed and we are now at this point. Its all just so confusing.

With the recent string of emails, she has been using just the first letter of my name to address me, and the first letter of her name to sign off. Its something we did during that year of deployment; kind of a term of endearment that nobody else could use and we both knew what the other meant. I have been reluctant to start that again, and continue to use the whole first name for both of us. It has a lot of emotional meaning to me when I use just a first letter. I don't know if it still holds meaning to her or not. Trying to not read into it but its difficult.

I want to work on the R badly, I have made a couple subtle hints and so has she about 'maybe in the future' and so forth without any concrete definitive overt statements. I told her I won't bring up any R talk and I intend to not do that. I am worried that she might and I need to be ready to just listen and validate as appropriate without any venting of frustration or hurt back towards her. I can do it.

I have to work hard at controlling my emotions. This wave of nice has kind of taken me aback and I have allowed my mind to start thinking about us again vice moving forward for myself. I did go to the gym yesterday to try and keep doing things I want and need to do.

I am hopeful that today goes well, that I am able to continue this friendly conversation, as it is making my life way easier in regard to the kids and legal stress. However I am still waiting for that next time I get stabbed in the back as soon as I let my guard down.