- really struggling to do the happy, nice part of LRT. I seem to get stuck in cold and no contact so really need to work ok that.
Came home last night to discover he has booked yet another trip, left this morning until Sunday for another weekend in Vegas. It really rubbed me the wrong way. After all his claims of fixing himself and needing this divorce and time apart to work on himself and not be emotionally broken , all he is doing is burying his head in the sand and going on as many trips as possible to pretend it isn’t all happening.
We made each other a promise at the beginning of all this that we would be honest with each other if anything changed. After achieving a lot of soul searching and realizations yesterday I went to speak with him and told him that things had changed for me. He was no longer the man I loved, I missed that man and has hope he would get back to that but actions speak louder than words and his actions lately shows otherwise.
I let him know that my opinion had changed and that I had hope for us fixing things based off the work I am doing to myself, the realization that I had a breakdown 2.5 years ago that neither of us realized and that I no longer needed him as the past month showed but that I simply wanted him, old him. I explained that the moment the divorce papers are signed by the judge I am done and there will be absolutely no hope for us. He took this by surprise. I think in his mind he has been in control of this, and I was a good second choice but knowing now that there would be no coming back he really has to consider whether he wants to go ahead with this. I told him we do have options, we could do a structured separation and agree to what that includes (IC, CC, date nights etc). I firmly and kindly explained that we can still hope those options now and could pause things to think about them but again if he goes ahead with the divorce that hope will go to zero. As to me that divorce will be something I couldn’t forgive him for and I wouldn’t be able to trust him. It was a good conversation. Not DB in anyway shape or form but still a good and needed conversation to understand where we each are. His constant running away isn’t helping anyone.
This morning he text me from the airport and said I’m sorry for all the crappy decisions I’m making lately. I guess I’m trying to be out of sight, out of mind. I don’t have much to say but will think about what you said last night.
It doesn’t give me any expectations, or hope but I feel at peace knowing I have given us a deadline. Should that divorce become final then I can fully move on, and not have to live in his weird limbo of when is he coming back, if he does. I think I needed that.
He comes home Monday, D6 is away with her bio dad until the folllowing Sunday. As he has said so many times that he hasn’t had a chance to miss me, what are the thoughts on me going away for the week (stay in a friends spare room) leaving a note saying, needed some time and space please feed the pets, and then being away for 5 or 6 nights. I would hope it will help reality set in for him that he can’t just keep going on these trips and maybe he will then have an opportunity to miss me and not just be distracted by another trip. I’m lost on this one.
ILYBINILWY - 11/19/18 Got Better - 12/20/18 Counseling - Jan and Feb MIL issues - Jan BD - 2/13/2019 IHS - 2/14/2019
