Got a life, now what?

[97Hope]

Hi Sandi. Thank you so much!
His work history is incredible. If anything he doesn't ever rest!

Absolutely no debt. We have a ranch in addition to his full time job. We usually do all the ranching together with S17.

The big things that I think led him to self medicate are - my sister 50, passed away when we moved here 3 years ago, I already suffered from depression but she died within 6 months of her diagnosis (colon cancer). She and H were also very close. I was her caretaker, and when I came home after staying with her for her final 6 weeks, I was a mess. I went to school, came home and was not myself for about a year and 1/2. Which is the time-line he said that he gave up on me and my depression because he could not take my "cycles' anymore. He said that something in him just broke.

He had affairs back in 2010 and we did a recovery program, but I never really trusted him for the longest time. I knew he wasn't cheating, but I didn't like the way he acted around female co-workers, and some of them sent text messages to him that were inappropriate.

In addition, his uncle (who was his father figure) passed away the summer of the same year as my sister. H's dad left family when H was 7 y/o with 2 young brothers. Wasn't in his life until we got married. When I pointed out that H basically lost his 'dad', H seemed surprised (he didn't put 2+2 together)and that seemed to lead to some understanding. Same summer, H was deployed for 4 months and he lost a couple of people. Not friends, but I know that had to weigh heavily on him.

Post-deployment, our son was married and we weren't perfect, but things seemed to be shaping up. I was still reacting to texts between him and females, and blew up and said "i can't do this anymore, and I can't wait to leave!' (before I left the country for 3 months) so I can almost see where he didn't know who was coming home.

Ironically, I had a life-changing experience while gone and realized that I needed a lot of help to grieve and to heal. H has commented that my changes have come too late, although he is 'very happy for you, but jealous'. If I try and tell him how I was healed, he resents it, so I have left that alone.

There is no OW at this time, but it is a likely possibility if things don't turn around. He may have an Emotional OW, but since I don't know about it, I'm treating this sitch with the information I have.

I have gained a lot of understanding from another MLC site that other members have talked about here. I think that is the likely thing going on, but I really do try and not camp out in understanding why he's doing what he is doing, rather, focus on how I can be a good friend with healthy boundaries and a good role model for the kids.

I feel like I'm not alone. Thank you.