Got a life, now what?

[AnotherStander]

Hello 97, you posted the following in another thread, I am copying it here to respond as we like for people to keep discussions about their own situations to a single thread to make it easier for us to track things:

I'm new so I apologize if I missed it somewhere, but my H likes to move back into the bedroom when the grown kids come and visit. Does anyone have any advice about that? I wondered if I should have told him to stay in the guest room, but like you, didn't want that to be the hill I die on.
Also, we have a trip planned to visit family, and he wants to share a room. I don't get any ideas that this is headed anywhere, we have traveled a lot since BD, and always share a bed, and sometimes he talks about R in positive ways, but I play it cool and don't let it give me hope. I stay on my island. Reality. It's safer here. TIA!

Is he doing that to "save face" with the kids? Do they not know about your sitch yet? In general the attitude is "I am staying in the MBR and bed, you sleep where you want." So if he wants to come and go then I wouldn't worry about it for now, but don't let him browbeat you into sleeping somewhere else.

Likewise I don't see the harm in sharing a bed for the trip.

Now sex is a different matter. Michele says there's no harm as long as you can do it without expectations, but most LBS's do find that it really messes with their head because it's hard not to get your hopes up. Plus a lot of the time you have no idea what the WAS is doing "out there" sexually and you might be opening yourself up to an STD (it's happened).

He said he was surprised that I wasn't relieved.

My XW said the same thing. She thought I wanted D as much as she did.

H went a couple of times to IC of his own (the one I had set up). H said that he never knew what to talk about.

I've never heard of IC helping save an M. Most counselors just listen and validate, so if he says he wants a D they're not going to try and talk him out of it.

I have since learned how to navigate that, thanks to all of you on this forum with the validation statements.

Awesome! It's good to know we're helping people even when they're not actively posting!

I GAL, I have detached, but when I'm around I am friendly and a lot of fun. He enjoys my company and says he has loved me his whole life and always will. Still wants to go out with me, dancing and to friends houses. He has told NO ONE. Not even best friend. He acts like we are still the 'perfect couple'. He finds me very attractive but tries to make himself not have S with me. (says he doesn't want to use me). We have had mostly the same amount of S since the BD, but I have not initiated any of it. He calls/texts every day to talk, about everything but the R. I no longer initiate R conversations, but have told him that I'm here if he wants to talk. -I did add that I would no longer listen to a list of my faults/violations unless he was willing to work through them together. I listened for the first 6 months.

Good! That all sounds perfect. You're showing him what he'll be missing, you're listening and validating, but you're also setting boundaries about not allowing him to blame you. Well done.

His drinking is off the charts. Now keeps a cooler full of beer when he drives. He is so sad and confused.

Wow that's a red flag. Sounds like he's engaging in risky, dangerous behavior. Is he still seeing the IC?

Thank you for this community. I've never seen him like this. I try to stay in my own lane (for my own sanity). I am praying that this forum will be a good place for me to find comfort.

Absolutely, you'll find lots of people here who have been through it or are going through it. Just try to remember this is more about him than it is you. He's on a roller coaster, so you need to be the rock now more than ever.