I am a newbie. My H is having a PA, he has asked for a separation, (still living in the same house) says he loves me but not in love. Thinks he can find happiness with OW. I did the usual crying, yelling,pleading stuff etc... When he was with me I was either sad, which made him sad (constantly saying he is sorry for hurting me) OR I was either angry (makes him angry and we end up fighting). I am trying for the past week to apply the tecniques I have learned here. I went out last Friday, wouldn't tell him where I went. He went out with OW on Wed, when he came home he hugged me and said he loves me and misses me. I replied the same, but no questions about where he went, didn't mention the other woman etc...No R talk. He is the one who keeps bringing stuff up.
My problem is that I don't know how to respond to his questions. Please help me figure out what I can say that will not make me backslide but at the same time not make him think that I want out of our M or I don't care.
these are questions he is asking me:
Why am I not asking him where he goes?
I answered that by saying that I am respecting his wishes and leaving him alone.
Where have I been going?
I was honest and told him that last week when I went out I went to my brothers place and watched movies (I didn't volunteer this at the time, I only told the truth afterwards because he thinks maybe I cheated on him too.)
When he asks me if I still want to be married or if I am okay with the separation?
When he asks me if I have found a new 'boyfriend' yet?
When he asks me what's wrong or if I am sad about us?
Or how come I am not sad/upset anymore?
Quote: Why am I not asking him where he goes? I answered that by saying that I am respecting his wishes and leaving him alone. That is an excellent response.
Where have I been going? I was honest and told him that last week when I went out I went to my brothers place and watched movies (I didn't volunteer this at the time, I only told the truth afterwards because he thinks maybe I cheated on him too.) This is a good opportunity for you to be 'mysterious.' Rather than account for your whereabouts, when he asks, simply tell him, you needed a little personal time/space. PERIOD
When he asks me if I still want to be married or if I am okay with the separation? of course you should tell him that you would like the two of you to work through your issues and reconcile the marriage.
When he asks me if I have found a new 'boyfriend' yet? DON'T even bother to answer this one. Questions like that are coming from his own quilt. It's almost like wishful thinking. If YOU cheat on them that helps justify what they've done/are doing...it's puts you on his level and makes what he's doing, okay too. Questions like that are also their insecurity with regard to their realization that if they can be this deceptive..maybe you can be too and they'd like to believe that they're to special for you to cheat on them. It's an ego thing, so don't feed or entertain it.
When he asks me what's wrong or if I am sad about us? Or how come I am not sad/upset anymore? Be succinct, but be honest. Tell him you have a lot of things you're trying to sort out as a result of his A and that you're taking your time to deal with it in your own way.
What do I say????
Alot of your H's questions are just self serving drivel. He knows that what he's doing is hurtful and wrong. So if he's truly repentant then tell him to cease and desist all contact with OW so that the two of you can begin to work on your reconciliation. {hugs} T2
Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it. This weekend was really hard, He spent most of it away from home, I believe with her. I didn't call him once on his cell, I usually call periodically and he usually doesn't answer. Yesterday, I waited until I knew he was home before I showed up. Here is some of the conversation we had and my responses, if anyone has any ideas about a better way to handle his remarks/questions, please let me know:
He asked me if I went shopping, (that's what I usually do when he is not home), I said no and left it at that.
Then he asked me why I didn't call him. I said because you told me not to bother you and I was busy anyways.
H - Do you still want to have kids? Me - of course! I would like to have a baby. H - I wonder what it will look like, since it will no longer look like me? Me - I don't know. H - It will probably have blond hair (my old boyfriend was blond) Me - no response.
H - Do you want me to break up with OW? Me - Well, I would like a chance to work on our marriage, and I don't think we can do that unless you break up, so yes. H - Do you think that we (OW) will ever break up? Me - I don't know. Why are you asking me this? H - Don't read anything into it okay? cause we won't. Me - You mean you will never break up? H - Well, I don't know, but not now, definately not for a long time anyways. Me - No response.
He was hugging me, and I commented on how he likes to hug, he then said, yes, but not with you anymore. (even though he continued to hold me) I didn't react. Then he said he was going to miss me. I said me too.
He asked me if I had met someone else yet? I said that I already discussed my views on that so stop asking me. You don't answer my questions, so why should I answer yours? He said he was just trying to have a conversation. I said why was it so important to him that I find someone else? Did he think that it would make what he is doing with OW okay? He said yes. I said no way, he said what's the difference? I said the difference is that you betrayed me, that you are the one abandoning me. He shut up.
A pretty girl was doing martial arts on the tv, he made a comment on how he wished he could have a girlfriend like that! I didn't react.
He suggested we put on a movie, while we were watching I made some comments about it, and he got mad and said to stop talking cause he can't hear, then he said that was one of the reasons he is leaving me. I just said sorry instead of snapping back.
I asked him if he still wanted to be friends with me? He said yes, so then I said why are you deliberately saying things to hurt me? He said he wasn't doing that, he was just joking around. I said that it wasn't very funny and that he KNEW it would hurt me. He said sorry.
Later he started to get a little frisky, but then stopped and said that we shouldn't ML anymore. I said okay, if you are uncomfortable then we won't. However, 1 hour later, he asks if I want to watch an adult film with him. I said okay, of course we end up ML. He also stayed in the room instead of going back to the couch. He said that no other girl excites him like I do. Then we went to sleep. In the morning, he was sad. He told me that he missed me. I said I missed him too. Then we kissed, I was expecting just a few pecks, but he was very passionate and I returned the passion. We got ready for work. Then when he dropped me off at the station, I went to kiss him, he turned his face and only offered me his cheek. I said bye and kissed him on his cheek and left.
I am proud of the way I didn't cry even though I really wanted to. Also, I didn't fight or argue with him as much as I usually would. My first instinct was to yell at him about what he was saying, but I thought of this board and counted to ten and plastered a smile on my face.
I think that when he spends time with his slut, he convinces himself that he is better with her. But then he came home, seen that I wasn't pining away from him, or angry at him, I was just acting friendly.
He tried to get a reaction out of me with his questions/comments. I think he wanted to see if I still love him, or if I had found someone else. He was also probably mad at himself for still wanting/missing me even though he tells me that he doesn't want to be with me like that anymore.
Of course these are all assumptions that I am making from his behaviour. I am still going to continue to DB and see what happens. Patience, patience, patience.
Does anyone have any comments or suggestions on my responses?
I was doing well yesterday. I didn't call him once at work, then when I got home I was friendly and cheerful. While he was in the shower, his phone was ringing constantly, I checked, it was OW. When he got out, he went to check his messages, I was standing right beside him. I heard her voice, he deleted the message without listening to it. I asked who was that? He said does it matter? Then he asked me if I found a boyfriend yet? I lost it, I started yelling at him and said I am sick of this crap etc... He grabbed me and hugged me and asked me if I wanted to go out for a couple of drinks. Totally threw me for a loop. It's like he is doing the 180's!! I said yes, I apoligized for my outburst, I told him I heard her voice and then you asked me that stupid question and I lost it. I told him to please not talk to her in front of me. He said 'how was I supposed to know it was a message from her?' I said he was right, I was just being stupid.
Then I went to the store, while I was gone, his mom overheard him yelling on the phone, he was saying 'it's over!' She asked him who he was talking to, he didn't answer her.
Then when we went out, he was in a bad mood, I avoided any R talk and we had a good conversation about work, home, etc... Then he told me that he doesn't think things are going to work out between him and OW. BUT he doesn't think that they are going to work out for us either.
He started telling me about all the things I did that made him angry or hurt him. I told him I honestly didn't know it made him feel that way. I started to get defensive, I couldn't help it. I didn't feel like validating. In the end I told him that I was sad cause I failed in our relationship, he said we both did. I said we can't change the past, so it was no use arguing about it. He never came out and told me what was bothering him, so resentment built. I was too dumb/naive to understand the hints he was leaving.
I have to db more than ever now, I have to try to avoid doing the things that bothered him, work on improving myself so that I can be happy with or without him.
I sent him an email today, apoligizing for my errors and saying I understand how/why he feels the way he does. I told im that I hope one day we can forgive each other and try to repair the damage.
That's it for R talk unless he brings it up. Right now the OW is calling him like crazy, probably begging etc... I will back off and let her drive him away on her own - hahaha He doesn't know I know that he is breaking up with her. I only hope it is for real this time. She no longer works in the same company, so they don't have any reason to run into each other.
fingers crossed. With her out of the way, maybe he can give us a second chance.....
Wow, Loveforever, your story sounds a lot like mine. I just did a little backslide with my H about an hour ago. He's been out of the house for 2 months now. I've been pretty good about keeping up the happy attitude lately, but our anniversary was this weekend and we went out to dinner but he seemed really preoccupied. I didn't say anything about it, but his weird mood continued through today. I finally asked him if he was bummed...he admitted he was and then proceeded to ask me if I had left an earring at his apartment. I didn't, but then it all clicked. He was mad at me because the OW had been over this weekend, found the earring, and blew up at him. He instantly assumed it was mine and that I had planted it there to make sure she found it!!! Great idea, but I wouldn't dream of doing anything like that these days because I'm trying to give him NO reason to be mad at me. Guess he'll always find something.
I just don't understand their mentality. It is so draining...hot one minute, cold the next. We ML a lot now, but the next day (or right after sometimes) his attitude shifts and he doesn't want anything to do with me. Almost like he feels guilty for "cheating" on the OW. I'm having a really hard day today...it's so hard to keep up the smiling face on days like this.
It sounds like you are doing great. Keep up the good work. And do your best to hold off on R talks and pushing his buttons. Set back and enjoy your laugh while watching her push him away.
Thanks for your encouragement guys, Wednesday is his night for drinking. He used to do it alone, then he started with OW. Tonight he went again, I am afraid that he went with her, that they will make up tonight. Even if he didn't go with her, once he starts drinking he will probably call her. I hate this, I wish I could just take him away from here or get rid of her. I am scared that he will keep going back to her. I know that I am just being impatient. I guess I am tired of being strong. I haven't really cried this week even when I am by myself, I came close a few times, especially tonight when I was shopping and that stupid Shania Twain song came on, always and forever or something like that. Anyways, usually when he does come home there is an actual improvement between us. Last week he held and kissed me and said I was 'perfect'. I know that I shouldn't get my hopes up, cause it could easily go the other way and I would be so crushed. Patience, I am getting sick of that word....
He came home this morning, came straight to the room and hugged me, said he missed me, I said me too. He then asked me how many people I have slept with since we separated. I told him that I was not a slut, that I have integrity and morals unlike his bitch. That I was a married woman who takes her vows to God seriously, that just because he failed in that respect, that I wouldn't follow suit. Then he was looking in the mirror and said oops! she gave me a hickey, he then proceeded to point it out to me and said she was a silly girl!! I was so upset, it seems like he thinks that being friends means he can talk to me about the OW as if I don't care. The other day he asked me if I thought about the two of them together, I said I used to, but it is too painful so I don't anymore. Anyways he asked me if something was wrong. I told him that I didn't appreciate him throwing his affair in my face. I told him that he is showing no regard for my feelings and that it was disrespectful to act as though there is nothing wrong with what he is doing. I told him that I was doing as he requested and leaving him alone, could he please extend that courtesy back to me and not joke around about adultery.(by either one of us).
I told him all of this in a calm voice, I did not get angry, just a matter of fact. I have told him before that I don't want him to tell me to find another guy etc... I felt the need to reinforce that boundary, even though it may have set me back with Dbing by showing my pain, I think it was necessary.
So much for them breaking up, Damn! Why doesnt that stupid girl get a conscience and leave him alone! When he says it's over, why does she continue to pursue him! Stupid little bitch. sorry needed to vent
My H does the same thing...one minute he is kissing me and hugging me and telling me I look great, the next he is giving me the cold shoulder and flaunting OW in my face. He was mad at me for a few days this week...acting very distant when around and giving me very short answers to questions. I asked him what was wrong and he just said he was having a bad day. Then he asked me if I left an earring at his apartment. I didn't, but it sounded like a good idea I have a feeling OW found it and was mad...he probably thought I planted it there last time I was over. He seems to think my mind works the way his does...always looking for a way to get revenge.
I just wish he would dump the little girl and get back to real life and responsibilities of raising our family together, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen any time soon. Haven't really heard from him much this week...I've been crying a lot. Part of it is because Mother's Day is coming up and I miss my mom. She died this time last year and I've really had no emotional support from him at all.
Sorry to ramble on about my own woes. Hopefully we'll have a better day tomorrow.
Quote: Wednesday is his night for drinking. He used to do it alone, then he started with OW. Tonight he went again, I am afraid that he went with her, that they will make up tonight. Even if he didn't go with her, once he starts drinking he will probably call her.
Quote: I told him that I was not a slut, that I have integrity and morals unlike his bitch. That I was a married woman who takes her vows to God seriously, that just because he failed in that respect, that I wouldn't follow suit.
It seems to me when I get P*** and start calling OW names if front of my H, it just makes her look better to him. And throwing the fact that he hasn’t taking his vows to heart, will just set you back. Next time tell him that you are not going to discuss this until both of you and act like adults. I done that once, H asked if that meant I thought he was acting like a child. I made my tongue bleed by not saying what I thought (That he was acting like a baby, and that he needed to grow up.) Instead I point out to him that I included myself in the statement. Then I calmly walked out. When I got home later we was both calm and had one of the best talks about our R.
Now remember this is one of the easier said than done things. I have only done it once when I should have done it at least 20 times. Maybe one of us will master the technique and pass the secret along.
So much for them breaking up, Damn! Why doesnt that stupid girl get a conscience and leave him alone! When he says it's over, why does she continue to pursue him! Stupid little bitch. sorry needed to vent
We have all wanted the OP to get a conscience and leave. That is one of the things that makes it so painful. And for the venting that what we are here for. Vent here instead of with H. And who knows someone might have advice on what you are venting about. The main thing is not to keep it bottled up.
The next time H brings up him and her. Tell him that you are wanting to be friends, with him but there are boundaries to friendships and the subject of them is one of yours. That way you show him that you are will to put in the effort of friendship but not to be walked on.
I have a feeling OW found it and was mad...he probably thought I planted it there last time I was over. He seems to think my mind works the way his does...always looking for a way to get revenge.