Well if you have some tips for managing 14 year olds, then let me know!
Last night went well. I came home and they were having a pretty heated but respectful conversation in the kitchen, and I went upstairs and dealt with some laundry until it was over.
After kids had gone to bed, H initiated what I thought was a very open and respectful conversation about parenting methods. I just validated, and said I could see that there were problems that I contributed to, and I was at a loss as to what to do differently but I wanted to speak to the therapist with an open mind and I was prepared to try things that felt uncomfortable to me. I said I thought everyone was very anxious and not able to offer anyone else much in the way of reassurance or support at the moment and that perhaps that would change in the months to come. And I just left it at that.
Eldest was vile this morning. He was relating this conversation he had with H last night (which I overheard) and totally misrepresented - to the point of out and out lying about - a few of the things H had apparently said. I pulled him up on this - said I knew he was anxious and stressed and wary and had good reason to be. And that things were complicated enough without him lying about things that had not happened. He was furious with me. We managed to make it up a bit before he left.
I have the feeling that each of them very badly needs me to 'choose' them and be on their side. They both say that and have said that to me a lot. And I can understand why H feels exhausted and disrespected and like the conflict with eldest has cost him his home and marriage and caused him stress. I also know he feels that he doesn't want to reward that conflict by showing love or spending special time or trying to establish a more friendly bond with eldest. And I know that Eldest feels unfairly singled out, treated differently to youngest, that he's been treated really disrespectfully and that the only reason I've tolerated it for so long is because I'd rather he was arguing with H than I was arguing with H. And they both are right, and I don't know what to do about it.
Came into work early to get a coffee on my own and try to decompress a bit before the day starts. This is exhausting. I really resent feeling like I am in the middle and responsible for fixing three people's issues rather than being part of a family where each person is taking care of their own issues.
