You're doing so well, Dilly. And whether you are going to end up R or not, the things you're doing to take care of yourself and figure out what you want and how you get in your own way are going to be useful to you. And I guess you just have to trust or hope that H is doing his work - and accept that as out of your hands. Does he do IC or anything like that?
No, he knows that I see an IC but says he's 'thinking' when I ask him what he's doing on his end. Oh well, we are all different. I think the thought of addressing his abandonment in IC would be very painful to him, so I assume that's why he's not doing that, though he did say maybe to my suggestion of IC when he first left so I won't assume anything.
I can see he's doing his work however he's doing it, his actions are 180s on some stuff he used to do. At first I thought he was just burying himself in work and alcohol and not willing to look at himself, but that turns out to be wrong. Perhaps he has looked at his role in the marriage and seen where he has taken me for granted and not taken any interest in my life. My IC asked if I'd mentioned his different behaviour to him and I said no not yet, I feel like it needs the right moment and things are only just warming up between us. I won't have any R talks and so on if I can help it, just try to continue being patient, accepting and keeping my expectations low but in a positive direction.
My neighbour contacted me saying we should meet for a coffee sometime, she said things are bad for her and if I knew anything about rights that would be useful. She's not married to her bloke (and she's never worked) though they've been together 20 years and have 2 teens together so financially she will be devastated I imagine. I feel bad for her but I don't think I can be her shoulder to cry on right now. I do feel terrible for her, but I feel like I have to protect myself from too much real life traumatic stuff I think. Whatever peace I've found recently feels fragile, I'm not sure I can go through all that initial trauma stuff again right now.
Dilly, you are doing AMAZING but I would encourage you to think about being there with your neighbor... you know after today that a 30 minute wobble is something you can get over, who knows what progress you will make by being there for someone else in need.
I met up with my ex husband last week, who is also going through a separation and it was so helpful for me to give advice (It made me realize what I had learned), to listen, to practice some of my learnings on someone else, and to just be there for someone else's problems instead of focusing on mine.
And if after the first meet up, you find it makes you too fragile then you can just leave it there, but it also might be worth a try. (Also think back to how you felt in the beginning and how you would have been if you had a neighbor with a listening ear, it might have been different, it might not but its worth asking the question!)
ILYBINILWY - 11/19/18 Got Better - 12/20/18 Counseling - Jan and Feb MIL issues - Jan BD - 2/13/2019 IHS - 2/14/2019
Actually, when BD first happened I leaned heavily on my friends, I would meet up with them a lot and cry on the phone to them and they were brilliant. Sadly I don't think my neighbour has many friends, she is in dire need of GAL. From past experience of listening to her problems though she will spend literally hours and hours talking and not really make progress. But the main reason I don't think I should be there too much is that I have a tendency to want to rescue people and get involved in their problems (having watched that pattern in my mum I can see it's unhealthy), and I want to save my emotional energy for my husband, not for other people. It's a form of distancing, and I'm trying not to distance. So yes, I won't ignore her if she asks for a chat but I will protect both my time and my energy because she will be an emotional black hole otherwise. If we were friends in the good times and not just the bad that might be different.
Friendly text from dh this morning. Must try to temper my expectations of tonight. I would love a good snog though
It's probably about balance again, isn't it Dilly? Finding the place where you can be kind, without it taking energy it is better for you to spend on yourself, your kids and your husband (in that order). And there are some people who use talking about their issues to stay stuck in them, and being about that kind of energy is really hard - especially when you've got problems of your own you are trying really hard not to wallow in but take responsibility for changing. I get it.
What would happen, do you think, if you dived in for a snog?
I don't know, I'll see how it goes tonight I think.
Ds1 woke up at 9.30 and was angry that I didn't wake him up at 8 to go to college. I did a 180 and refused to feel bad about his phone alarm not going off. I did actually shout up the stairs about 3 times, got a grunt in return and assumed he had a late start (his schedule changes sometimes when there is stuff on at college, like some weeks he has double the lessons and some weeks he has half the lessons, BUT he isn't good at telling me when his schedule changes). I offered to drive him to college so he didn't have to wait for the bus and told him my mind reading skills were terrible, that I was happy to wake him up as a backup when necessary, but in order to do so I needed to know when his timetable was different, like the night before. There have been a few times when I've woken him at the normal time and he's been cross that I didn't need to, but he hasn't told me in advance. I pointed out that I didn't like waking a teen who didn't have to be awake! And I also reminded him there's an alarm clock in ds2's bedroom he can use as a backup if his phone alarm does't go off.
So that was new, I've not been that good at being assertive in the past, I'm usually defensive instead. Hopefully ds1 has learnt a lesson through the consequence of being late to college and missing a lesson!
Date debrief: I turned up half an hour early and texted him to let him know (continuing my 6 month long 180 of being early apart from that one time last Saturday). He came over early and we set off for a run. It was very different from our last run together, he actually ran at a pace that I could keep up with him AND have a conversation, unlike the last time when I was sweating like a race horse after a mile We ran and chatted, that was nice actually. Then we went to the pub for dinner, really great food and good beer. We chatted about just general stuff, it was fine. Dh said he had a migraine so it wasn't going to be anything deep and meaningful. Then we walked back to the station and he told me to run across the road to make sure I wouldn't miss a train so I just got a super quick hug. Hm, the running slowly for me was definitely new, the date itself was fine but not amazing, there wasn't the warmth I felt during our walk on Sunday, but then he did have a bad headache. And he did say 'just to let you know I'll be leaving on Saturday about 4.30 or 5', so he definitely listened when I asked him to help me out with letting me know ahead of time what his leaving plans are!
Those are small and positive steps, Dilly. Do you have a standing arrangement for the dates? Do you arrange them, or does he, or do you take turns? Does it feel like rekindling the romance, or just friendly, or something else? He sounds still very stressed and exhausted. It's good he is making these small efforts though.
Do you think your DS is affected by his father being away and not knowing himself what the state of play is? I know you said earlier your kids were relieved, in some ways, to have him out of the house because he can be so awful over the winter. And that you hadn't been able to speak openly to them about the situation. What do they think is happening? Do you think they're worried about things, or have assumed one of you has had an affair, or something like that? It can be strange what goes on inside a teenager's head.
I hope you sleep well. I checked out that podcast you mentioned - Relationship Alive - last night and downloaded a couple of episodes to listen to tonight. I am sleeping a little better.
We have an arrangement for me to go meet him one evening a week and then we discuss ahead of time what we'll do, he usually takes the lead on that because he likes suggesting things and then I'll usually book a table or activity. It feels friendly now we've relaxed a bit. One thing dh said during our last horrible 'I don't know if I want to be married' conversation was that he has always enjoyed spending time with me. He also has very little social life outside work, but that's because his work consumes so much of his time and energy. Moving closer to work has given him more time but maybe only enough to recover better from his job rather than enough to GAL. He is still very tired, he does't tend to sleep well anyway and work will continue to be really busy until the end of the month. I told my IC that I wasn't sure dh's job is compatible with him being married, I'm still not sure about that. Maybe dh isn't either, but he feels very entangled in his job.
Ds1: he's been the one most affected I think but I try not to think about it too much because there's not much I can do about it. In any case, he just got a girlfriend and is trying to get a job and is working hard at college, so he has plenty of life stuff going on so I don't think it's too traumatic for him. They barely saw dh before anyway, he'd come home, watch tv for an hour and go to bed early. Then he was too tired to do much with them most weekends. So they probably see him more now (sometimes I think I do too). I did take him to lunch yesterday, I try to do that most weeks. I don't know what they make of dh's behaviour, they don't know about the 'not knowing about wanting to be married' bit but they know he's not around and if they suspected an affair they could easily check that out at his flat (unlike me who has still never been there). They almost certainly think it's odd that I've not been there. I told them that he's having problems coping with work and that he has some big life decisions to make about his future, they think that he should quit his job but then again they've always been a bit horrified by how hard he has to work and how stressed and angry it makes him. I think they're just confused by the fact that he's not living at home right now, but that I see him one night a week, so maybe they think we're just trying to work things out. I don't know. If I have raised the subject they don't really want to talk about it, but then ds1 rarely talks anyway, having a conversation with him is like pulling teeth!
I feel really impatient this morning, I really want some physical affection. But I'll have to be patient for now, hopefully April will bring changes.
I was thinking about your situation last night, Dilly. You talked about your emotional reactivity, and the effect of hormones, etc - and it is possible your husband is keeping you away from his flat because he's scared of you? I don't mean to suggest that you're dangerous or violent - but only that he might be intimidated by strong emotions? It isn't that he is abandoning his family like his mother did, but he's been afraid that you're going to abandon them all - with the reactivity and distancing - and him moving away and keeping you close but at arm's length, and getting panicky when you aren't where you're supposed to be or where he wants you to be - well, it's all on his terms, and is perhaps a way to stop that abandonment he's so terrified of?
Maybe not. You know him better than me. And I guess having a theory about what is going on in his head doesn't change what your best course of action is today.
Have you and H discussed what it is you are telling the children about your separation? They sound older, and like they'd have their own independent lives and relationships with him anyway. But is this something else he's just left for you to deal with?
It looks to me, from the outside, that there's a bit of denial going on - that he's moved out, he refuses to let you access to his space and he refuses to talk about the future. There's very little physical contact but he wants to act married. And there's to be no talk about it to the kids, who might be in the dark about what is happening. Is he like this in other areas - just not really able to accept reality or running away from emotional life into his work?
