Got a life, now what?

[97Hope]

I am nervous to post this. I have been lurking since August 2017. After being out of the country for 3 months, found out that H had a consult with divorce atty. Asked him about it and he did the typical ILYB and a whole list of my faults. I listened, didn't argue (much!) and said, "nope. we are not doing this. let's slow down and take some time". He said he was surprised that I wasn't relieved. (M wasn't super when I left, but we communicated our love for each other while i was away, spoke every day).

Lots of tears (on both our parts). I set up an appointment with a counselor - who send me for EMDR for previous trauma (best experience of my life!). While I was going to my IC, H went a couple of times to IC of his own (the one I had set up). H said that he never knew what to talk about.

Just before Christmas 2017, he said he was going to file after the 1st of the year. I cried but didn't argue. Stated that I thought it was a bad idea. He never filed but moved out of the MBR. Continued on like that until Feb 2019. Moved into furnished apartment (short-term lease). Said he couldn't make a D or R decision while living with me.

Comes over every day or at least every other day. We have a ranch, he feeds the cows etc with me. S17 runs hot/cold toward him and when he's cold, H attempts to take it out on me. I have since learned how to navigate that, thanks to all of you on this forum with the validation statements.

I GAL, I have detached, but when I'm around I am friendly and a lot of fun. He enjoys my company and says he has loved me his whole life and always will. Still wants to go out with me, dancing and to friends houses. He has told NO ONE. Not even best friend. He acts like we are still the 'perfect couple'. He finds me very attractive but tries to make himself not have S with me. (says he doesn't want to use me). We have had mostly the same amount of S since the BD, but I have not initiated any of it. He calls/texts every day to talk, about everything but the R. I no longer initiate R conversations, but have told him that I'm here if he wants to talk. -I did add that I would no longer listen to a list of my faults/violations unless he was willing to work through them together. I listened for the first 6 months.

His drinking is off the charts. Now keeps a cooler full of beer when he drives. He is so sad and confused.
I am watching the love of my life disappear before me. I have confided in 3 friends that support my decision to DB, but our older children and their wives are now very upset because they now know he moved out.

Thank you for this community. I've never seen him like this. I try to stay in my own lane (for my own sanity). I am praying that this forum will be a good place for me to find comfort.

W45 (me), H41
M22
S27
S21
S17 (still at home with me)

BD August 2017
Moved out Feb 2019