Hey Sandi, I appreciate all your help so far on my thread. So you know, my W and I are going to separate. She is moving to an apartment down the street. It is just a 1 bedroom and won't have washer/dryer hook up. This is a temporary separation to let her see what single life would be.
She mentioned keeping her part time job to help get the kids on and off the bus and then watching them in the summer. We have not talked about logistics but I don't want her thinking she would have the luxury of staying at "our" house and all the extra room and yard where she can do whatever and let the kids play. Also, since there is no washer/dryer hook up she had asked if she could do the laundry at "our" house still. I made the mistake of saying yes. No reading a lot of your reflections, I should have said No.
I am trying to figure out how to go about saying, you want to see what single life looks like or divorce life looks like, you need to do these things are your own and not at this house. Also, she has mentioned that she does not want to impact the kids as much as possible. I did make the mistake that divorce would make impacts to the kids. We still need to come up with logistics and such. I guess I can backtrack on the washer/dryer stuff at that point and other things to say that if we were divorced, you wouldn't have access to that stuff. What is your suggestion on this. You can reply here or in my thread. TIA
Being a skeptic whenever a WW is in the picture, I see several potential problems...….but there's some things I'm not sure you are seeing clearly. I feel that you want her to experience this separation with the same intensity if you were divorced. It's not going to happen. Not with her living down the street in a one bedroom apartment and working at a part time job, while you give financial support and have the kids fulltime.
Does she plan to have the kids spend some time at her apartment? Whenever a WW says she will leave the kids with the H, I immediately see issues...….especially when she has an apartment on the same street. However, if that's what you both want, then you need to realize she will want to spend time with them somewhere. It will be easy for her to drop by after work (around dinner time) to see them. And you've already told her she could do her laundry there, (which is another can of worms), but you don't want her thinking she can do whatever with the room and the yard while the kids play? It's a mess and one thing leads to another until it gets hard to know where to draw the line.
I think you would like to have a setup that would resemble a divorced couple, where she has to respect "your" place, just as you do "her" place. I get it, I would too. The problem is that most WW's we've seen on the board still think of the marital home as "their" place. If the H sets tight boundaries of when & how she can come & go during the S period, it makes the WW angry. She will claim he is controlling or being unfair, punitive, yada, yada. So, it's a tough position for the H, especially if he intends to keep the kids solely at his place.
You need to look at your main purpose for this physical separation. You continue to refer to it as "temporary". Is it b/c you hold out hope there will be a reconciliation, or is it b/c you want her to experience reality? I would guess it's both. However, I just don't think you will be able to treat it as a "temporary" separation, and .expect her to conduct things the same as if you were divorced. That being, having her treat "your" place as if it no longer her home. If you moved out into an apartment and equally shared kids time with her...….then she would probably respect it as "your" place. But if the kids are left in the marital home in dad's custody...….there's usually a problem with the WW's comings and goings. It has been rare to read about a WW leaving the marital home and the kids behind...….and .how they don't take advantage some way. She still sees it as her home just as much as his, and she wants her private apartment without giving up all the benefits from her previous place. If she's going to be keeping the kids at your place, you've just got a mess, and I don't think she's going to treat it as if she's detached while taking care of the kids there. I understand, but I don't think it's going to be like you want.
Plus, if things are not split up, then she has most of her things left in the home. Have the two of you discussed splitting household items? This is another side to the temporary thing. If you see the S as only temporary, then you (or she) may see no point in dividing things......and she probably won't have much room in that apartment. I'm rambling, but can you see how it can quickly get messy? I think you want to experience the S as if it were like a divorce, but realistically, I don't think your setup will be the same.
The other thing I want to warn you is that most WW's will call on the H to fix whatever is needed in the apartment, their car, computer, etc. Some of it is out of habit. So, you need to be prepared and know how you want to respond. You may tell her to call someone else, or you may want to take it as an opportunity to interact with her. She may fool me and not act like other WW's, but you need to think about this and how you want to handle it.
She wants her little apartment to have to herself, but she wants you to be available when she needs something. And as Another Stander pointed out, you may need her to be available to keep the kids.
Have you discussed this with your lawyer? Do you know what you can and cannot do legally? Just curious, but why did she ask if she could keep her part time job? I think she's going to expect more financial support (once she's out of the house) than you may be ready to give.....or continue to give.
Sorry for rambling.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
