I hope so. And if they don't get on, if I am not actually in the house then he can't blame me for it. Eldest is very reactive, defensive, wary and suspicious but after the treatment he's had over the past couple of years, I don't blame him. I've told him I expect the same civility and respect towards H as I'd expect towards anyone who came into our house, and that's all. To be honest I feel anxious thinking about the pair of them in a room together (this is something we plan to address with the family therapist) so it's probably better I am not around.
Control is a funny thing , we can only control ourselves not others . Let them interact, just be ready to validate afterwards and see if you can make progress . Baby steps is the way to go. I hope you get what you wish for I really do but is it worth looking at things with beginners eyes ? Leave the past and make a better future .
That's really good advice, TryHard. I think I do try to control their interactions - I get so nervous they are going to start bickering that I try to manage eldest's behaviour behind the scenes, and pacify H's anger, and get between them, and distract them - and me flapping about doing that is probably very irritating to both of them and no doubt comes across as disrespect to H and controlling to eldest.
I am going to make myself scarce until and unless I am able to be with them with beginners eyes and see a way I can be there without trying to manage their interactions. I hope family therapist will help with this but that's a process we've not started yet.
It's difficult isn't it? Because our kids are part of us, but then at a certain age you have to release them and let them be less part of us. And eldest is 12 right? Not an easy age (though better than 14 in my experience, sorry).
If I was placing bets I would put money on your husband being on his best behaviour and things going better than you expect without you there. I really hope I'm right! You seem to have a lot of negative expectations of him based on past behaviour but he's shown a lot of positive signs, give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure it won't be easy for him tonight particularly if eldest is awkward or defensive, but it sounds like your husband is willing to try to do his best.
Eldest is 14 - and is very tricky, though in the past H has been very harsh and used humiliation, mockery and name-calling and also the silent treatment in order to contain his behaviour. And that has triggered all kinds of stuff in me, because of my history, so I've reacted in really protective ways, and it has caused a dynamic that feels utterly impossible to unpick. Though I have hope that things will gradually become unstuck, one way or another, with the family therapist who eldest did seem to take to and who I liked, and who, surprisingly, H is willing to see.
I do expect the worst, and I think my anxiety triggers some of what I fear. And I think probably eldest and H are also expecting the worst of each other. It's tense and especially scary for me given my history. It feels like space and time is the best possible thing at the moment, and me taking care of my own wounds, and getting out of the way.
H has never ever been violent towards either of the children - not at all - though as I said, I do consider some of his parenting methods (acts of desperation perhaps) to be emotionally abusive. But we will see. I will be home at 9.30pm and have promised myself I won't call and ring and check up or try to remotely manage the situation - at all - from work. Which in itself is a big 180 for me.
Oh 14? Oh dear, that was the worst age for ds1. You have my sympathy! It's in the nature of being a mum that you're protective, taking a step back from that is hard. I hope when you do go home that it's gone as well as it could. Well done on the 180!
Well if you have some tips for managing 14 year olds, then let me know!
Last night went well. I came home and they were having a pretty heated but respectful conversation in the kitchen, and I went upstairs and dealt with some laundry until it was over.
After kids had gone to bed, H initiated what I thought was a very open and respectful conversation about parenting methods. I just validated, and said I could see that there were problems that I contributed to, and I was at a loss as to what to do differently but I wanted to speak to the therapist with an open mind and I was prepared to try things that felt uncomfortable to me. I said I thought everyone was very anxious and not able to offer anyone else much in the way of reassurance or support at the moment and that perhaps that would change in the months to come. And I just left it at that.
Eldest was vile this morning. He was relating this conversation he had with H last night (which I overheard) and totally misrepresented - to the point of out and out lying about - a few of the things H had apparently said. I pulled him up on this - said I knew he was anxious and stressed and wary and had good reason to be. And that things were complicated enough without him lying about things that had not happened. He was furious with me. We managed to make it up a bit before he left.
I have the feeling that each of them very badly needs me to 'choose' them and be on their side. They both say that and have said that to me a lot. And I can understand why H feels exhausted and disrespected and like the conflict with eldest has cost him his home and marriage and caused him stress. I also know he feels that he doesn't want to reward that conflict by showing love or spending special time or trying to establish a more friendly bond with eldest. And I know that Eldest feels unfairly singled out, treated differently to youngest, that he's been treated really disrespectfully and that the only reason I've tolerated it for so long is because I'd rather he was arguing with H than I was arguing with H. And they both are right, and I don't know what to do about it.
Came into work early to get a coffee on my own and try to decompress a bit before the day starts. This is exhausting. I really resent feeling like I am in the middle and responsible for fixing three people's issues rather than being part of a family where each person is taking care of their own issues.
I guess my 180 here was that I stayed really calm. I didn't over react, didn't hide away, and spoke assertively to Eldest this morning. I also was assertive with H last night and told him I was grateful he shared what was on his mind respectfully, but I wanted to leave it for now because I was tired and thought it was better spoken through with the therapist. He also started to play the victim a bit and I acknowledged that Eldest was very difficult at times, but that I didn't think H was fully aware of how he came across and that perhaps that was something we could discuss with the therapist. Usually he would rage at the idea that he might have something to change or address, but he just nodded at that and we left the topic still on cordial terms.
It was a 180 for me not to intervene when I heard a bit of conflict going on when I came home. And it was also a 180 for me to challenge Eldest on the fabrications about H - I've been more likely to let that slide in favour of picking my battles or keeping the peace in the past.
Wow, that's a lot, no wonder you're exhausted! You did so well in articulating your feelings and also in being assertive with both of them, impressive. You are NOT responsible for fixing 3 people's issues though, no matter how complicated all the relationships are. And you don't have to choose between them, no matter how much they feel you do. I feel bad for your husband actually, dealing with a 14 year old is hard enough without those extra complications. There are so many hormones and identity and independence issues flying about already.
It sounds like you have grounds for great optimism that your husband can cope with eldest, build a better relationship with him without you getting involved, and also that he's willing to work with you on your relationship too. I think your responses were just brilliant, well done!
