Clinging to Hope

[hope2019]

@DejaVu6

It's so weird. He keeps claiming he is emotionally broken (pressure from work, his family and then our marriage) caused this but funny enough the only thing he cut was our marriage. He keeps claiming he is having a breakdown and his behavior is certainly normal for him, but then it never has been normal in that sense, he and I have always been very different.

His brother sued him about 18 months ago and he claimed he would never talk to him again but after less than 6 months he was missing him, within a year they were talking a little and now they are like best buds again (this brother hates me btw).


I am starting to think he is trying to keep me happy to make this a smooth process. I really don't think he is having an affair, although the staying out etc and lots of things to hint at it, my gut feeling is that he isn't, but then his ring came off one day after BD and he has been travelling since pretty much and now he is home for a period of time there is absolutely zero contact.

I honestly think he wants to make sure he doesn't screw up his own future IF he realizes this is a mistake as it was such an impulsive decision he made. Which makes me a second choice and I do not want to be anyone's second choice. With the emotionally broken bs he claimed he was going to continue to see the IC and this time apart and need for the divorce so quickly was because he needs to be completely on his own to find himself again.... he has seen the IC once in the past month, I questioned it last week and he said he didn't have time. I think that helped me move forward, knowing that him fixing himself suddenly wasn't a priority.

I guess there's something humbling in knowing that while I feel awful now and this process is truly taking its toll, everything from suicidal thoughts to severe depression, I will get through it, and him avoiding it just means it will hit him hard one day.

Stuck in the IHS until august.... I used to be happy about that, like if he could see enough changes in me he might come back. Now it just feels like torture, I will continue to improve who I am, not for him to come back but for myself (and get a small kick out of knowing he will realize he has lost even more than he originally thought).

Going for a run now...between my IC and my feelings right now, anxiety is high. I just came so close to calling/texting him but for once talked myself out of it.


for the Vets....should I be doing LRT or NC at this point?