That's really good advice, TryHard. I think I do try to control their interactions - I get so nervous they are going to start bickering that I try to manage eldest's behaviour behind the scenes, and pacify H's anger, and get between them, and distract them - and me flapping about doing that is probably very irritating to both of them and no doubt comes across as disrespect to H and controlling to eldest.
I am going to make myself scarce until and unless I am able to be with them with beginners eyes and see a way I can be there without trying to manage their interactions. I hope family therapist will help with this but that's a process we've not started yet.
