TJT Becoming a "MFS"

[TJT]

Hey Yail!

I agree that ultimately I'm glad he did this if it's what he really wanted. The part I'm having trouble with is that I don't think he was really honest. I have that gut feeling that it was some other reason, and while it still stands that the reason probably doesn't matter if that's the way he wanted to go, I just hate continuing to feel like I'm not worth an honest explanation to these people. Once again it seems it's more about him than me and I'm trying to figure out things that probably have no (good) answer anyway.

I 100% agree 3 weeks in and thinking of LTR seems ridiculous. It was just one of those things that actually didn't seem like, illogically crazy, but just like something we both wanted. There were many times during the process that I checked myself but I didn't sense anything about this guy not being sure about what he was in it for so that whole thing just came down to me trusting too much too soon and believing what people say and do means more than it probably does, and that's probably the biggest ache of it all. I'm so tired of that and considering it happened with my XH after 9 years, I feel like I have no choice but to go into things semi-blind, but aware. Because then I ask myself well, what if the right person does come along but I'm TOO guarded because I don't trust anyone or can't feel like I can trust my own feelings and be authentic? It's just a tough dance and I just want consistency.

That being said I am definitely trying to embrace more of the unknown and just "going with the flow" after all that. I've gone on other dates and have adjusted to be more honest with myself in terms of not assuming anything, again despite what I might be seeing or hearing. I really hate that and I can already feel that it could turn ME into a person who ruins things with someone if I start to seem like I'm not ready to commit even though I am. But anyway, those are dating world problems not D problems

Yail I will also not deny for one minute that I am afraid to be alone. Not in the sense of generally being alone, but the thought of being along long-term and every moment that passes by in the meantime is very difficult for me. I feel like time is just being wasted, and I know I'll be learning good things in this process but I'm not confident that it will be worth what I feel is being lost in not spending a lot of my moments with someone I care about. When I go on a date and have a great time, it's good for that moment but then I get back home and end up feeling like if it wasn't for something more then it was just a distraction. Repeat that enough times and I can see how dating and constantly cycling through people becomes a thing very quickly, because it just wears on you to be investing energy and all you want is to get it back, so you keep doing the temporary fill dance until maybe one day it sticks.

I don't know, I'm really fumbling my way through my "new life" and while I have moments where I embrace it, I still do have a lot of resentment - not even at my XH, but just at the fact that I have to go through this and that I don't know if I will ever get the consistency of a LTR let alone a marriage in my life again.