Still in limbo

[Living]

Living, this hits a bit close to home for me. My W left the state for a job. I hope to pass along some of my learning from my own mistakes.

You two are a team. Perhaps a broken team right now, but if you are intent on standing or continuing in any way with H I think this is the time to validate H's interest in another job or moving. You can still have your own desire to not move, but you need to fully hear and respect his interest.

He then goes on to say would I be interested in moving 2 hours away. He knew the answer to that before he asked me that stupid question. Now knowing that my H tends to joke a lot, I didn’t know how to really take this. He was kind of smirking when we discussed it. But I know that MLC’ers can act impulsively.

My W knew my answer too (I suspect), but instead of me hearing WHY she wanted to move I just shut down. I did not hold up my end of the partnership by giving her wishes the serious consideration it deserved. I should have put myself into a "well, what IF" mentality to see if it was something that would work for us. This was my biggest mistake and something I regret.

In my own situation perhaps a move would have been a good thing, I don't know.

Should you move? I can't say. You may know the answer is "no" for you - and that's okay. But only say "no" after you really HEAR your H.

So I told him, NO. I would not be interested in moving 2 hours away. We have a son in school and I’m not uprooting. Plus I’m not interested in moving to some small rural town. I told him if he did get that job he would be moving on his own. I told him but I would not stay M to him. He said why? He said you couldn’t go along with it for 2 years? I said no. He again asked why. I told him because one I don’t trust him and two because that’s not want I want for a M.

Your son's schooling is a valid concern. How you will fit in is a valid concern, though surmountable. I hope you will consider how much of this is you digging your heels in, or how much might be fear, or how much is a legitimate concern.

He said you couldn’t go along with it for 2 years?

I hope you really, really ask yourself this. Again, I'm likely putting too much of what I went through into your sitch. But I want you to ask yourself the question.

So now I think that this dude has really thought about this. And let me say this, if he takes a job 2 hours away, he will be doing so as a divorced man. I won’t put my life on hold while he moves away and possibly has relationships with other women. Nope, nope, and he11 NO.

If H has real reasons for wanting to pursue this job, he's going to take it. This seems like a line in the sand for you. I think you should ask him questions. What is his interest in the job? Is it an advancement? More responsibility? Better community or skill set match for him? Or does he just have a desire to run (which is what I seem to hear you implying). I think you need to really get to the bottom of what is of interest to you H.

Yail, thank you for your insight and for your advice.

This is a tough one for me. Now if H brings this topic up again, I will definitely ask questions and hear him out. Your advice is spot on with that (not saying you have any bad advice : )

That said, I don’t think for one second that my H would be taking another job as a promotion or to advance his career. That may be what happens as a result of accepting a new position but that won’t be the initial motive.

Here’s what I truly think. He would be running. He has previously entertained this idea and his IC advised him that moving to another state won’t solve his issues. He told him that he’ll only take his problems with him to a new state.

That said my H has always been hard-headed. So maybe he’s entertaining this idea again. I think he has gained some new friends at work (some of which he took the guys trip with) and he’s envious of some of the things they get to do. I think the fact that the co-worker is looking for the job in the other state, makes him want to do the same. The only difference is the co-worker actually resides in that state. So he’s trying to get a job in the state he lives in.

I think my H is wanting to run. He is still a confused ball of mess who is a walking contradiction.

One day it’s

* I love you ( he11 I just heard that this morning)
* I need you (heard that a few days ago)
* I’m going to work on trying to be a better man and I need you
* I’m ready to fight for the M
* But But I want out of the M
* I’m lost
* I’m confused
* I’m not happy
* I don’t think you’re the woman for me
* W aren’t sexually compatible (but but, I still will pursue sex from you and it’s good too < —- his words)
* You deserve better
* You’ll find someone better

Blah blah blah, I could go on and on. You know the MLC script. Sometimes I wonder if he has searched the Internet for the MLC script. Lol!

Truth is I can’t atop him from doing anything. I’m learning that daily. So if he wants to take a job in another state, so bet it. I’m just not sure I can sit around as his little faithful wife...while he does God knows what. There is no doubt in my mind that he would find someone who would be willing to be his mistress. Unfortunately there are a lot of women who have no problem being a mistress for a time. So I just get to sit back in limbo while he does whatever he wants. I don’t think I have that gift.