Still in limbo

[Yail]

Living, this hits a bit close to home for me. My W left the state for a job. I hope to pass along some of my learning from my own mistakes.

You two are a team. Perhaps a broken team right now, but if you are intent on standing or continuing in any way with H I think this is the time to validate H's interest in another job or moving. You can still have your own desire to not move, but you need to fully hear and respect his interest.

He then goes on to say would I be interested in moving 2 hours away. He knew the answer to that before he asked me that stupid question. Now knowing that my H tends to joke a lot, I didn’t know how to really take this. He was kind of smirking when we discussed it. But I know that MLC’ers can act impulsively.

My W knew my answer too (I suspect), but instead of me hearing WHY she wanted to move I just shut down. I did not hold up my end of the partnership by giving her wishes the serious consideration it deserved. I should have put myself into a "well, what IF" mentality to see if it was something that would work for us. This was my biggest mistake and something I regret.

In my own situation perhaps a move would have been a good thing, I don't know.

Should you move? I can't say. You may know the answer is "no" for you - and that's okay. But only say "no" after you really HEAR your H.

So I told him, NO. I would not be interested in moving 2 hours away. We have a son in school and I’m not uprooting. Plus I’m not interested in moving to some small rural town. I told him if he did get that job he would be moving on his own. I told him but I would not stay M to him. He said why? He said you couldn’t go along with it for 2 years? I said no. He again asked why. I told him because one I don’t trust him and two because that’s not want I want for a M.

Your son's schooling is a valid concern. How you will fit in is a valid concern, though surmountable. I hope you will consider how much of this is you digging your heels in, or how much might be fear, or how much is a legitimate concern.

He said you couldn’t go along with it for 2 years?

I hope you really, really ask yourself this. Again, I'm likely putting too much of what I went through into your sitch. But I want you to ask yourself the question.

So now I think that this dude has really thought about this. And let me say this, if he takes a job 2 hours away, he will be doing so as a divorced man. I won’t put my life on hold while he moves away and possibly has relationships with other women. Nope, nope, and he11 NO.

If H has real reasons for wanting to pursue this job, he's going to take it. This seems like a line in the sand for you. I think you should ask him questions. What is his interest in the job? Is it an advancement? More responsibility? Better community or skill set match for him? Or does he just have a desire to run (which is what I seem to hear you implying). I think you need to really get to the bottom of what is of interest to you H.