He is not a bad guy. He would have been really really loyal, like loyal through thick and thin. Which is a quality on the top of my list. I felt safe with him in that respect. I too pride myself as being loyal and a part of me feels bad that I was not like that with him. He was ok with my flaws and issues and having a young child.
I have only been in 2 serious relationships prior - my ex husband (you guys know the story) and a super jealous, controlling cheater when I was in college. With them it’s more black and white. They did some serious shi!t and I never broke things off with them. This guy did not do anything seriously wrong. He didn’t cheat, he didn’t lie, he did not physically assault me. So this is not black and white.
I hate the idea of discarding people out of my life. It’s elective death and mourning. It feels bad. And I’m really depressed. I kind of wish I had went in to this screening better. I ignored this stuff and focused on the positives and then eventually the negatives go to be too much for me to want to be around. But I do love him.
I think my story is an example of why you shouldn’t exclusively date and get serious immediately post DB.
Well dh the examples you gave were pretty extreme but if something like that did happen I would have a conversation with her when the kid was not around and just end it.
Juju your two serious relationships were abusive. Maybe that's why you missed the red flags with this guy - it felt familiar, and his type of controlling behavior at least was less than previous relationships.
Don't feel bad about ending it - this is what dating is for, to get to know the person and find out if you're compatible. You weren't.
He's a grown man, not a 16 year old boy. He can handle the disappointment of a dating relationship not working out. Don't make yourself responsible for his feelings. You are STILL putting more effort into this relationship even when you're broken up!
You had every right to make this decision and your instincts are right. He's a big boy and can handle it.
As I've pointed out earlier, he didn't own his part of this relationship not working. Stop second guessing yourself.
I am sorry Juju you have been so upset. I agree with both don and kml. You sure didn't reflex break up with the guy. You thought it out, you gave him the benefit of the doubt, you tried to figure out ways to make it work. But in the end, I do agree with KML. He is abusive in a sense. He was a gaslighter big time. You did the absolute right thing for yourself.
You are an absolute fantastic mom. Never should anyone, especially someone you trust and love ever make you doubt that, criticize, or stop you from being proud of yourself and son. I think he might secretly doubt himself as a father. A partner should be someone you can share your love and pride of your kids with.
As far as never criticizing anyone's parenting? I wouldn't unless it was for extreme reasons like the ones Don used as an example. Something harmful, yes. Criticizing really good parenting? No way. I remember FF criticized my parenting, A non-parent, A young non-parent who thinks they all have it figured out before they become one. That put a bad taste in my mouth. Dating someone who isn't your kids parent is hard. When they come in later, they don't know all you have been through, the child's sensitivities, their quirks, which battles you choose. When my daughter was extra bratty right after she came back from her dad's, i cut her some slack. The transition was rough on her. I got that criticized and did not like it.
Regardless, this is a sad time, and I think you will be starting to feel better soon, even relieved. I do think you focused so much on how he was the opposite of you ex, that you thought he had to be a perfect fit. It takes a heck of a lot more than them being the opposite of our ex's. I appreciate that M is totally calm, empathetic and laid back, unlike my ex, but that doesn't make him the perfect partner. It's a trait I regard highly and is very important to me. Just in a human being and not because he is opposite of my ex.
One thing I would love to see for you (and for myself, actually) is to stop doubting yourself so much. I am going to post about that in my thread, because I am equally guilty, But we need to really trust ourselves a whole lot more.
I swear, one of these days we are getting together!
Oh, and P.S>, I caught the circumcision comment too and I couldn't stop laughing. I am the queen of autocorrect mistakes, but that one takes the cake!
Don - I am gonna consider putting in my next OLD profile "Looking for the Yes Dear Type"...
KML - He was over the top. It was not me. His comments were not just nicely stated opinions. They were rude and insulting. I do appreciate honesty. I am not looking for someone to agree with me on everything. But there is also a way to say things to people. I
Ginger - We definitely have to get together! Maybe later this spring? Its an easy train ride for both of us. I agree with you about not trusting myself.
Regarding commenting on another's parenting... Its a sensitive topic. What Ginger said all the way. Sometimes kids sense something askew when meeting a new boyfriend or girlfriend - and they act out - become attention seeking, take advantage of their parent whom they can tell is trying to make a good impression on a new person. One day of your kid being bratty, does not indicate that someone is slack in their parenting. Or not raising their children well. It is easy for someone that is not there every day to judge. I personally, do not want to feel judged.
Now there is a way to go about it if you are a step parent or living with the family or an intimate partner and you feel that you have advise that might help. You really do need a tribe to raise a child. I think Dawn has it mastered. But I think the key is that the person making the suggestion really should love your kid first before they say something. It is obvious that Dawns suggestions have been made out of love for her kids. Her suggestions have been made with sensitivity and thought and on her background in education and motivated by love.
BF was debating with me because I chose to not put my son on meds. There is no debate. Its my decision and I made that decision based on our experience with meds and based on my sons improvements without the meds ( his argument was made off of what worked for his child). There was another debate over a surgery that was not even recommended by the doctors - just an option for my son. Ex BF was pro surgery - yet he has no medical background. He was arguing how my son will get made fun of when hes older if we do not get this surgery. I honestly felt like he did not know what the hell he was talking about and was basing his argument off of god knows what but not on the facts or research or data. I started to feel like his advise was more ego driven, not really thought out in a way that was tailored to the individual. I felt like he was just trying to assert authority over a child's best interest And that's when I started to dismiss even the potentially good advice. And here is the other issue, I never asked him for his opinion in those cases.
Now if the child is interrupting or being rude to the boyfriend or girlfriend on a personal level it is OK to state your boundaries..."I am talking. Can you please wait your turn" is acceptable if the other parent did not say anything (sometimes we just tune out and I know I am not on top of everything) or if you see the kid about to put a bottle cap in their mouths - please by all means! But different parents have different rules and its best like Joseph said - to maybe ask the parent privately instead of correcting the kid... Like "hey, is it ok if your son is climbing on the wall like that. I see he is scraping up his sneakers" and I could respond with either "good point, Son get the hell off that wall!" or "nah, its ok. I intentionally put him in his old sneakers so he could climb and play and get some energy out". Don't just call out to the kid "Get off that wall, your ruining your sneakers" when you are the boyfriend or girlfriend. That is making assumptions and establishing an authoritarian role you have not been given yet. (yes BF did just that - and I had to cut in, no its ok. Hes allowed. And then he debated with me about ruining clothing articles and I had to explain I do not spend a lot of money on quality clothes for my son cause I know hes a wild beast and my priority is letting him just get his energy out and thats not a battle to pick with a hyperactive kid)
I think leave the correcting and disciplining up to the parent until you have connected with the is child better. And observing the rules and parenting style before you inflict your own is crucial as well.
Also- ginger My son gets bratty and emotional and snotty when he comes back from his dads as well. He usually has to sit and watch tv and I sit next to him and say little.
J.....I agree with everything you just said. Some people just can't keep their mouths shut and think they know everything or at minimum have an opinion. I am making an assumption here but I assume he never did anything wrong correct?
So as the days go on, I am really confident that I made the right decision. I do feel depressed and low energy and even a bit sick. But I can’t say that I think we would work as a couple.
I do feel bad about myself though. I feel old. The demand at work recently exploded and we have a bunch of new hires that are all starting their lives.. getting married, buying homes, getting ready to have kids, or even dating to find someone to start a life and family. The other group of coworkers all have spouses and kids.
Oh girl, who put that negative voice in your head???? Would you REALLY want to go back to being young and dumb in your 20's??? You're a vibrant woman at the peak of your powers - start acting like it! Stop comparing yourself to others and start enjoying your life. I know single motherhood is hard, but how about putting a little more focus on making or spending time with good friends.
