Ovrr - Stupid emotions indeed. I need one of those coins they give you in AA which count the number of days since I last broke down in a weepy heap. This time it was 4 days. The longest I've managed is probably two weeks. I start to think I'm doing OK, then it hits. Not a tidal wave dragging me under like at the start, but more a quiet realization that I am still floating alone and there is still no sign of a shore. Glad you have the pooch. My H takes our dog as well whenever he has the kids.
DV - I'll take that hug. I really miss hugs. I've learned to live without the physical intimacy, but a hug, someone to put their arms around me and tell me it will be alright, god, I miss that.
Dilly - Although it may not sound it, I understand why he acted the way he did and I have forgiven him. I guess I was trying to make a point about how our emotions can play havoc with our memories - I was feeling down about the fact that I was ill and alone, all "woe is me" until I realized that towards the end, my H wasn't there for me. He was once, but not at the end. Instead, he went the extra mile just to make me feel bad about being ill. He was, quite clearly depressed so to a large extent he couldn't help but see any illness on my part as a failing, so I get it. He also couldn't (and still can't) show me he cares because he doesn't want to give me hope . I made the mistake at Christmas of thinking his stance had softened, we hugged (at my request) when he left and I told him I still loved him. He got teary, quickly wiped it away, then said he had to go. He got in his car. He has not mentioned it since.
It may sound like I didn't 180, but I did, for months I did the 'friendly neighbour' thing. I made sure I always smiled, conversations were smooth and not confrontational. It was all one sided. I would ask how his day was (fine) but he would never ask about mine. He would walk through the door and spend five minutes playing with our dog and barely acknowledge me other than to ask how the kids had been. It stopped hurting, but in order for it to stop hurting, I had to stop caring.
