Rocky Road 2

[Miler]

OK, MC dump here...

I'll bullet for easy digest, then spit out a few thoughts.

- W says we've had wonderful connective quality time over last 2 weeks, very different from past
- W says she sees the changes in me that she's always wanted. I'm very different, but she's confused that 1) it's come "all of a sudden" (MC said she didn't think this was the case, as she saw changes in me since 2015 BD) and 2) that if I could change that easily and all of a sudden, why didn't I do this 5 years ago, or in 2002 when we had our first separation
- MC said this is a common phenomenon, that BD is equivalent to Dr telling you you need triple bypass surgery, guys change their lifestyle (smoking, eating, exercise) all the time with big events like BD
- MC asked me how things were different now compared to 10 weeks ago. I said I missed words of affirmation or physical touch from her (we did 5 LL with MC in the not so distant past).
- W said she knows this a problems and what I need to feel loved from her. She reiterated what she said last week, that she's super fearful that physicality between us will just sweep all the changes under the rug and not address the real stuff we need to work on. She also said that in some respects, she is "digging her heels in because she's given me what I've wanted or needed for the last 20 years, and she needs to focus on making herself happy and not making me happy."
- MC said that she can understand this and validated her feelings. However, she felt like it was unfair to me and said we both need to compromise... she needed to give me some signs of affection and I needed to give her the space to figure herself out
- W admitted that she's in a place where she felt like she' lost who she truly is and wants to get back to a place where she feels she is true to herself.
- W said she loves me very much and want to figure her out and us out simultaneously.
- MC told her she felt like while the M problems have certainly contributed to her feelings of losing herself, but that this was also common when losing a child (foster child), launching one to college in 4 months, and another one 20 months behind. She's been in the caretaker/mother roll for so long, now she needs to adjust to new reality.

MC ended session saying that we need to "love each other with words" for right now, that things seem to have stabilized, this is very manageable, and we've overcome bigger obstacles. For homework, she encouraged me to be patient with the process, give W the time to figure herself out with all the new changes, but to not lose the tether of love and to keep showing her I love her by telling her and touching her, etc. She told W that she needs to cut herself some slack, needs to lean into the R and work slowly into external signs of love. It ended feeling positive and that we could do this.

I left the session with all sorts of emotions...anger, hope, impatience, and anxiety. We didn't say anything on the 15 minute car ride home. Given all of my emotions, I didn't want to come off as pouty, cold, resentful, or anxious. I certainly didn't want to have any more R talk...lit was heavy again today in MC. So, I interacted with the boys for a bit, and said, I think I'm going to head to the coffee shop and get some work done, and then run a couple of errands (I'm going to look a couple of Jui-Jitsu gyms in the area). She looked at me with a little bit of a confused or upset look, then said Ok, and then smiled. She then said she was going to go to yoga today.

Should I have handled that differently? I couldn't be around her with the swirling emotions I had and I didn't want any R talk. I think space after a heavy session like that is good for both of us. Would greatly appreciate any feedback on the session or my pulling away a bit after.

Hope everyone is well!