Btw my crazy ex boyfriend had some trouble relating to my Aspergers son at first, then someone wisely told him if he loved me, he needed to love my family. He made the effort and they ended up friends. He may have been crazy and a bit of a sociopath but he was good to my family always.
Ugh. Things are over. I’m going to just take some time and heal. I feel horrible and left feeling like I was overly sensitive and unrealistic about relationships and like I was a poor communicator. I feel like I was unfair to him. like I misunderstood his comments and intent. I Feel like I’m doing wrong by a guy that is good at heart.
But I know if I end up back, I will probably feel like this again and it will repeat itself into another cycle. My friends that met him thinks it’s a way to make it look like my fault for the break up and that everybody does that and that’s the reason people often get back together
I just read an article about hyper sensitive people...
And it could have been written by me.
With ex bf, it was not the Jab or the statement being made. My friends are all pretty blunt people. I have never been upset or taken to heart any comments written here.
It’s the emotion behind his jabs that’s i am responding to. Those emotions were anger and impatience for me. And that’s exactly what they were. The airport story, the shopping story.
He's still gaslighting you! HE'S not to blame for anything, you're just too sensitive etc. etc. If he WASNT a gaslighter, his response would be something like "gee, I had no idea I was affecting you that way, can we go to counseling to work this out?" Instead his response is that you're overly sensitive. I believe your instincts are correct about him.
Sorry J......I would never criticize the parenting skills of anyone that I dated nor ever say anything about their child unless I was directly asked for my opinion. Even then I would tread very lightly as it is one thing for the parent to make comments but completely different for me to do so. I think you made the right choice. Hang in there!
Sorry things went this way Juju. You handled the situation like a boss. I am a perfectionist and second guess myself quite a bit because you can never be SURE, ya know? But I've learned that while I don't often feel sure of myself, when I DO feel sure about something in my gut, it's usually best to act on it. You never know something for sure. Only enough to make decisions and act. And my gut is sure that your gut is right on this one. Hang in.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thank you KML, TBSAKA, and Zues (would love an update)
This has been hard. I have been crying a lot lately. it’s not like there were all bad qualities in him and I understand you guys are hearing my version of events. Maybe he was gaslighting. maybe that’s just how I am describing it, because obviously I need to feel I did the right thing and was justified? Or maybe not.
His point of view was that he says things without malintent. That he is trying to help with his advice. And that I hold everything in and throw it at him after 8 months and that I waited till stage 5 to bring this up instead of stage 3.
Each incident that occurred, I did not have a response for him.
I think I snapped and then sulked a bit and stored it up. He did not think these incidents were anything big. And the incidents were based on jabs directed at me. The jabs don’t bother me if done with humor. But like I said, there was anger and impatience behind his jabs and that’s what bothered me. I’m positive of this.
My thought was that, we don’t see each other that often and had only been dating a year, so to feel anger and impatience towards me now is not a good sign. In general He yells a lot and gets angry a lot (not at me. At things I view as little though like the dogs or dishes not being done) He says he is never that angry. That expressed emotion was a lot for me though.
Someone else might have responded to the jabs with humor, or rolled their eyes and said something and just forgot about it and moved on. Because that’s life. That’s reality. It’s accepting people’s flaws or mistakes. it’s being familiar and intimate with someone maybe?
But I couldn’t do that. it bothered me. I felt like he was causing conflict and drama when there didn’t need to be any. I felt like he was disrespecting me. It felt like it was too much of what you get in a 15 year relationship when you live with person and have little kids running around and your just exhausted. Not what you get when that date or outing is supposed to be your nice time out away. If that makes any sense.
He feels like I’m just looking for someone that will always agree with me and just keep quiet.
I think maybe he put me into 6 year relationship zone too early without building enough of that good feeling - honeymoon portion. We didn’t have enough history to be at that level. I think for him, it was settled. he loved me. Would deal with my flaws and wanted investment. Figures you can’t have it all and accepts to be in a relationship.
There are definitely going to be somethings I really miss and worry I will not find in someone else. I did love him. I will really miss his daughter.
I think something else that’s hard is being on the other side of things. It’s tough cause I’m seeing how my ex must have felt about me. He never voiced his issues with me just like I never did with bf. I’m experiencing what it feels like to be the leaver.
Ugh.. this just really [censored]. It’s really hard.
Well jabs arent good and storing it up isn't good either. If someone jabs at you in a joking manner generally they are serious about it and really it is more than a joke. That said even if you would have communicated more clearly with him when it was a stage 3 would he be any different? I am not a yeller nor a screamer but I do tend to hold things in as well and also sacrifice my own feelings for someone else.
I dont think you want someone to always agree with you but maybe be a little more diplomatic and open to hearing/understanding your way of doing things? Also maybe only offering advice or comments when solicited?
I would never criticize the parenting skills of anyone that I dated nor ever say anything about their child unless I was directly asked for my opinion.
Never? Really? Never? So if after you start doing things with doctor and her son, son interrupts her while she is talking to you and you see her haul off and smack him in the head so hard he cries or draws blood, you won't say anything? If the three of you go to a restaurant and you see her son take cash tips off of a table and put it in his pocket - you won't call it to her attention? What about if she just shrugs and says "ah he's just a kid." I mean, my point is, I don't think to never say anything or never criticizing is the answer either - is it?
My real point of posting, however, is to say JuJu I can tell how difficult this is for you and how much you really are willing to look at it - at least with us. It also reminds me how very difficult all of this is - likely yet another part of why I'm hesitant. I would not want to be either the dumper or the dumpee. I think you are trying to look at all sides here and you are so correct, there always are two sides and we are only seeing one. He might have a very different viewpoint in all of this. Maybe he is gaslighting - maybe he is not. Maybe he is being critical, maybe he is not. Maybe you are being too sensitive and really don't want to hear anything negative, maybe you are not.
But let's say, both of you are... he is critical and blurts out what comes to mind with little filter, and you don't want to hear circumcision, believe in positive feedback over discipline and don't want either in your life. Let's say that is the case for both of you. If it is (and I think I'm at least more correct than not in this) the two of you are just not a good match. He needs someone that will ignore him or give him his crap right back and you need someone who is going to be your number one supporter and cheerleader. That's okay - for both of you - you are just not each other's match.
In the end, I don't think he is a bad guy, he's just not for you. I think you need someone who is going to be very supportive - kinda a "yes dear" type of guy. And there is really nothing wrong with that either - it's just not this guy. I think you need to keep this in mind with the next guy. I think you focused so much on who is not your ex that these other things were both unknown and overlooked. Now you know. You need a really positive guy that will let you do things your way and at least not criticize it but hopefully praise it. That's just not him.
Don't beat yourself up over it all. Don't blame yourself. You will likely start to feel better over the next couple of weeks. More importantly, you have learned a lot over this past year. You are so much better off in not trying to continue with someone that may not be your ultimate long term match. There is nothing at all wrong in that - in fact, I so wish more people had the guts to do it. I am very impressed by how you have handled all of this and that you were able to see it through - VERY IMPRESSED.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
