Where I live, the teachers are flooded with paperwork required by the State Department. It has become insane! Your W sounds as if she may have "burn out". Sometimes taking off for one year does a lot of good. Even if she worked at something in a totally different atmosphere .........the change just might save your M.
IMHO, her yelling was her way of trying to be heard over other racket. IDK, if she has to raise her voice to be heard over a classroom of chatter, chairs moving, books dropping, students moving around, etc.......but it's possible, right? So again, when she goes home, she is seeing a continuation of her work day where she has to yell to be heard. You can't change things at school, but what can you change at home?
I would work up a "Home Blessing" schedule, where you and the two kids spend ten minutes in each room of the house/chores. Divide the house into zones with each person assigned to a zone each week. Make it fun. Be a team or be competitive to see who can do the best job in ten minutes. Set the time clock with a loud buzzer and everyone stops when the buzzer sounds. (You may have to assign more than just one zone, IDK). Let the kids turn on their music while they work. Do it as fast as possible. Throw away as much trash and clutter as possible (but don't throw away any of mom's papers & stuff) There are websites that helps people who struggle with messy houses. They say to make it fun, and don't think of it as work......but rather it's blessing your home when you clean it. Make it a game with the kids. Brag on their speed and good work. Once they see how much can be done in just ten minutes a day, hopefully, you can expand to decluttering and other exciting activities.
This is just a suggestion. Talk to your kids and ask if they will join you in an experiment. You might want to tell them their mom has had a lot of stress at work, so this experiment will be for the three of you, while mom prepares for observation (or whatever). Set up a couple of rules....like, no fussing or complaining about having to clean up someone else's mess, or why isn't mom helping. No texting friends, no social media, etc; until their zones are cleaned. If it's successful in keeping the house in order, then I think it will make a big difference in everyone's mood.....especially yours.
Greet your W when you see her after work, and tell her goodbye in the mornings. Ask her if she needs you to do anything. When she comes home, (when you feel is the best time) ask your W about her day, and show true interest by looking at her when she talks.......I think it will allow her to vent her frustration. Don't tell her what she needs to do. Don't suggest squat! She just wants you to hear what she is saying and validate her. Don't get angry at whoever or whatever is causes her stress. She just wants her H to validate her. I really believe this could turn things around in a big way. And, if she thinks it's just a ploy to keep her from divorcing you.......then that's when you can tell her how it's come to your attention that you were focusing on the less important things instead of what was important to her. Maybe apologize for not giving her emotional support.
If she says something about you "making" the kids clean up, then tell her you want to figure out how to do team work with them. If the house chores can get done in just a few minutes, that would be quite an accomplishment, right? I don't think she would fuss about it, but the daughter might. Yeah, she might try to play daddy and mom against each other....but that's another story.
I remember an elementary teacher who was a single mom. She appeared to be the epitome of a highly organized person, always appeared to be in control, was nicely dressed, and conducted herself calmly. IDK what her house looked like, but she did admit that there was a rule everyone had to follow. When she arrived home, she went into her bedroom, shut the door, and nobody disturbed her for one hour.......including phone calls. After one hour, she would come out of her room and was ready to handle what was needed at home. She said some people might think it was selfish, but 60 minutes a day, gave her space, peace. and alone time to regroup. I don't think that's asking for too much for someone who deals with 5th graders in a small space for five days a week. She could take a bubble bath, go for a quite walk alone, dig in her flower bed........or just stretch out listen to NOTHING.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
