Dilly/Alison - my mood might have something to do with the year anniversary of him moving out but I think it has more to do with having felt under the weather this past week. My H has had the kids a lot so I have been on my own. Unwell and alone. That will do it. That passed though. As much as I would love to have someone here taking care of me, when I looked back I realized that towards the end, he was never really there for me when I was sick. He still isn't there for me. He might be someday, but right now, he doesn't care about me.
I thought back to about nine months before BD I had a scratch on my foot that got infected. The infection went into my blood and after a few days I could barely walk. I booked an emergency appointment with a private doctor (I couldn't wait for the NHS) after work and asked my H to pick me up after the appointment. He called whilst I was still with the doctor. Said he would be out the front in 10 and I had to be out there because he didn't' want to pay for parking. The doctor asked me to wait for a wheelchair but I didn't want to keep him waiting. He still complained I took too long. There were other times. About two weeks after BD I got a track infection. His mum took me to the emergency room as I couldn't drive myself there. When he arrived home from work (about 1 in the morning) he said "mum says you're sick. You need to take better care of yourself".
I hadn't really thought about it being the anniversary of him leaving. One day blends into the next. I know there have been milestones that tell me I am healing. These have nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. I am becoming a whole person without him.
DV - I don't know if dropping the rope is something I will ever consciously do. He doesn't make it easy. He seems in no rush to move things along. I think it will just happen. One day I will look down and there will be another man holding my hand. Maybe, if I am lucky, that man won't mind so much that my coughing keeps him up at night.
