Things have been better lately, I am still seeing the remorse and acknowledgement of damage and pain caused. She has take 100% accountability for her actions and I have validated and responded with acknowledgement of things in our MR that may have led up to her actions that I could have done better.
If she is being genuine, then she will need support as she goes through addiction withdrawal. I do want to caution you about saying anything that sounds as if it is an excuse for her wayward actions. Waywardness is a choice.
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I have not been to IC in a month but am rescheduling soon but honestly my best advice comes here. There have been very small instances where we have talked details of things that have happened...not her specific actions with OM but more of the when I knew she was 100% lying about where she was going and she could look me in the eye and still do it. Places that they had been and I can't even drive anywhere near them etc. There is literally have of the county that are triggers that I avoid!
How do I address this with her...are these all things that will happen in time? I know it has only been 21 days since she saw OM and when I BD'ed on her and hopefully shook her out of the fog. Is this me being impatient again?
First of all, I don't think you should reveal to her how you could tell she was lying. That sounds fishy to me. It sounds as if she wants to fine tune her skill of lying.
How do you tell her that all these places trigger you? I don't understand. Is she wanting the two of you to go to some of these places? If so, then tell her it gives you bad energy or triggers emotions. If these places trigger you......then they will probably trigger her, also, if she's really going through affair withdrawals. Going to some place where she and OM use to meet, could trigger her cravings to contact him. You might suggest going somewhere new, and if she plays dumb, then tell her it reminds you of her affair.
Here's the thing, Lost. If your W is being authentic, then 21 days are more like the beginning of withdrawals from the A. You may have opened her eyes, and perhaps shook her out of the fantasy fog, but it did not shake her out of the addiction. Are you holding her accountable? Is she following a transparency plan? This is the time you need to watch closely, b/c she'll be like a drug user who needs a fix. By "watching her", I don't mean that you interrogate her every day. Let the transparency plan and your six sense be your guide for quite some time. I think H's get in too big of a hurry to start trusting the WW. That's why WW's have to agree and cooperate with the terms her H requires in order to continue the MR. Your W has not stopped having cravings for some sort of contact with OM. Not in 21 days! She may not admit it, but she's not over the hump yet. You will be making a mistake if you act as if she is back to normal this quickly, and you think it's time to start "trusting" her.
I really think that some things you are approaching with her may need to be discussed in MC. Not just any ole MC, but a therapist who deals with couples healing from an A. Don't go to a Pastor or support group. You need to find someone who uses the Gottman therapy techniques. If you haven't heard of Dr. Gottman or watched some of his videos on Youtube, check it out.
Does she seem curious to know how much you found out about them? Does she bring up the subject of OM and the A? If I were in your shoes, I would drop the IC and get the two of you into therapy. As I said, I think the LBH gets in a hurry to get things back to normal. That is understandable, but it carries risks. If you aren't a therapist, then you don't how or when to address certain things. She doesn't know what it's like wearing your shoes, or vise versa. There is anger on both sides (even if she hasn't admitted it), along with a lot of raw pain. Both spouses are in a delicate period of the relationship, and the smart thing to do is getting a professional who knows what to do and not do, when, how much, etc. Trying to play your own MC is not something I recommend. With that said, I will tell you that my H would not agree to go to MC with me. Both parties have to be willing to participate and cooperate when attending therapy.
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Honestly and I know it will still be a while, I do not trust her even though she has made some big changes.
Nobody can tell you when to start trusting someone who has betrayed you in the worst way......least of all, the WW. 21 days is not enough time, IMHO.......but I can't tell you how long it takes. However, I can tell you if she is bringing up the subject of you not trusting her, as if it irritates her that you require transparency..... that's a red flag. She should place no pressure on you trusting her. Don't place pressure on yourself. This is an example of how a therapist could direct this subject in the best way.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
