I absolutely understand the need to vent, and that your post was mostly venting and not reflective of the state of affairs of the vast majority of your life. Yes, outside this drama, life is good.
I do have a thought regarding your reply.
Originally Posted by exquisitetobe
It is so hard to stay out of it and do nothing but listen. I repeat to myself constantly that i did not break their relationship and it is not my place to fix it. It is between them and their father.
I agree you did not break their relationship and it is not you place to fix it.
Why do you believe you must stay out of it and do nothing but listen?
I know your children will vent to you (like mine), which is great. I do not believe we should just doing nothing, during venting or otherwise.
Using myself and my D16 for example. I do not attempt (anymore ) to repair the burnt bridge between W and her daughter. I do help D16 deal with her feelings and teach her tools to use in these difficult situations. If D16 decides to use them with Mom that is her choice, if she slams the door on her Mom, still her choice - she controls her actions.
If D16 was having trouble with a friend, or teacher, or bus driver, or a server at McDonalds today - one time thing - just listen to the venting and validate. A continual problem with same person, situation, or same problem or concern over many different persons or situations - her and I dig deeper and see what solution(s) she is willing to try. She can only control and change herself.
Now dealing with her Mom, yes that is a problem. Mom’s current stirrings before scurrying back into her tunnel was regarding delivery of payment of income tax holdback for inheritance of the estate of W’s Grandpa, kids GreatGrandpa.
D16 knows her Mom, well this “new” Mom. W behaves like an adolescent, usually 18 years old, reverting to 14 when she get agitated. Well W had these checks and I guess things didn’t go as she expected regarding all her kids to drop everything and show up for a visit. Manipulation and extortion - that just doesn’t fly around here. D16 can see through that BS, and she is busy. So three days later a frustrated W shows up a school during the day and finds D16 to give her the cheque and stomps off in a huff.
Oh well. Can only control you. D16 sees her Mom’s struggles and how gone and different she is. They all do, and they all know the slim odds of her “returning” to herself.
Just to further my example a bit using this same problem of inheritance. Currently W is the trustee of all four kids’ inheritance of $34000 each. As stated in the wishes for Grandpa, it can be released early for education purposes or really anything else the trustee agrees to. Last year S19 asked for some of his money to attend university. She said no. Purely a power struggle and she is attempting to extort visiting. W’s angry reason, well this way they will have to atleast visit me until they are 23. Of course no they don’t have to visit her at all, and they still would get their money when 23.
Anyhow, talking with the kids we looked at what we and they can do. Take her to court, ignore it, ask again and again and again, and so on. My advice for S19 was to not ask her anymore, it is just pressure and she has enough problems already. Besides do we really expect a different result if you run at that wall again.
So he controls his actions, still visits her once in a while and lets sleeping dogs lay. The bank of Dad covers the children with loans and the promised repayment from future funds. This does lead to a risk of her dipping into said funds, which is pretty low on our collective radar. And this first income tax remittance from the trust accounts is completely W’s responsibility and no one “here” is getting involved with that. Perhaps four trust accounts and the government (karmic) slap for not producing paperwork and income tax submission will prompt her to change something that is within her control. We’ll see, not expecting much.
Everyone can use some guidance when dealing with problems, especially an MLC problem. The very irrational nature of everything within its sphere needs to be looked at in a different manner. That is where I get involved and the side I now keep myself.
I think you are doing wonderfully E. Maybe this helps, maybe not. It is just conversation between friends.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
) to repair the burnt bridge between W and her daughter. I do help D16 deal with her feelings and teach her tools to use in these difficult situations. If D16 decides to use them with Mom that is her choice, if she slams the door on her Mom, still her choice - she controls her actions.