Unfortunately I did catch the dreaded bug and have been steadily getting worse all week. By Friday, I was literally floored - though this may have had something to do with being out Wed and Thurs night. H had decided that he wanted the girls most of the week, which worked out for me as D9 was ill most of it and had to stay home from school, and him having them meant I didn't have to take any days off work. There are some advantages to having a pilot for a H
I had the girls Friday (D9 was off) so we spent most of the day snuggled on the sofa. D9 and I are getting very good at snuggling on the sofa. Sat we tidied the house a bit and then H came and picked them up to take them to his mums. His mum had asked to have them Sat night as she has just had the spare bedroom done and wanted them to stay. Of course, this could be all an elaborate lie, and H might have asked her to watch them as he wanted to go out. Not sure why he would bother lying any more other than he still thinks we need to keep these things from each other. He seemed on edge when he came over, and once or twice I saw the temper flare. I think this is because I had made clear I did not want to go to his mums and may not be going to football today. He still wants everything the way it was, despite the fact that I can't go ten minutes without going into a coughing fit and standing on a cold muddy field is probably not what the doctor ordered. After one too many side comments, I said "I am going upstairs to sort through some clothes" and left them to it.
I am feeling a little better and am considering going, but that would mean being in the car with him for over half an hour (without the girls). I don't think I could take it and may just bow out. There is no escape in a car.
I sat on the sofa earlier and thought about how content I am. Just sitting there, drinking my tea, and watching TV. Then I thought how would my feelings change if my kids were here. They wouldn't. We might laugh about something, or I might have to remind them to put their dishes away, but overall, that feeling of contentment would still be there. Then I thought about how I would feel if my H was here. I felt the tightness in my chest. I would be worried about saying the wrong thing and upsetting him. I would be worried about the fact that I was just sitting and not tidying, or washing, or dusting. I would be worried.
I'm sorry you were poorly too, I hope you feel all better soon.
You sound like you're ready to let him go, is this temporary because you're tired after everyone being under the weather, or do you think this is more permanent and you don't want to put any more work into the marriage?
Your husband sounds like a devoted father, which is great. Do you feel like his attention is all on them and none of it on you?
Also, I might have misremembered but is it the anniversary of BD in March? Does this have anything to do with how you're feeling right now? A year is a very, very long time when post-BD minutes feel like hours.
Thanks for your suggestions on my thread, Flying Solo. It sounds like you've had a hard week.
I can really empathise with that feeling of tension and upset when H is around. I have many happy and content and calm times on my own or with my children. When I see him, I feel on edge or deprived or vulnerable. I think this affects my behaviour and probably triggers some of the withdrawing and grumpiness and criticism that I feel, and I think his anticipation of my being upset and not finding him 'enough' also triggers him to start interactions grumpy and withdrawn. It's a horrible cycle. Do you think any of that might apply to you? Or that you're slipping back into an older dynamic because you've been sick and you're tired and the anniversary of your BD is here?
(((FS))). Sorry you are feeling under the weather. Your reflections about your contentment when alone or with your kids and not with your H is very telling, I think. You, FS, are a fantastic person who deserves so much more than what you are getting from your H right now. He is being a really good dad, granted, but he is woefully lacking in the H department. I do think he is still very attached to you but for some reason, he isn’t willing to take a look in the mirror and ask himself what he did or did not do to contribute to the demise of your MR. The only person doing any work, it seems, is you. Maybe it is time to really drop the rope? Hard decision, I know, but it seems to me that you have done everything else but. IMO...your H needs to feel the loss and he hasn’t yet. (((HUGS)))
Dilly/Alison - my mood might have something to do with the year anniversary of him moving out but I think it has more to do with having felt under the weather this past week. My H has had the kids a lot so I have been on my own. Unwell and alone. That will do it. That passed though. As much as I would love to have someone here taking care of me, when I looked back I realized that towards the end, he was never really there for me when I was sick. He still isn't there for me. He might be someday, but right now, he doesn't care about me.
I thought back to about nine months before BD I had a scratch on my foot that got infected. The infection went into my blood and after a few days I could barely walk. I booked an emergency appointment with a private doctor (I couldn't wait for the NHS) after work and asked my H to pick me up after the appointment. He called whilst I was still with the doctor. Said he would be out the front in 10 and I had to be out there because he didn't' want to pay for parking. The doctor asked me to wait for a wheelchair but I didn't want to keep him waiting. He still complained I took too long. There were other times. About two weeks after BD I got a track infection. His mum took me to the emergency room as I couldn't drive myself there. When he arrived home from work (about 1 in the morning) he said "mum says you're sick. You need to take better care of yourself".
I hadn't really thought about it being the anniversary of him leaving. One day blends into the next. I know there have been milestones that tell me I am healing. These have nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. I am becoming a whole person without him.
DV - I don't know if dropping the rope is something I will ever consciously do. He doesn't make it easy. He seems in no rush to move things along. I think it will just happen. One day I will look down and there will be another man holding my hand. Maybe, if I am lucky, that man won't mind so much that my coughing keeps him up at night.
that whole dropping the rope thing is tough. I think it happens, but it's easy to fall back. Stupid emotions....
Your H sounds so much like my W. I feel bad for you b/c unfortunately he is also the father of your children. The physical separation seems to help with detaching but everyone is different.
I wish that I had better advice too. I'm feeling down tonight. Luckily I have my pooch to snuggle.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
(((FS))) There is a wonderful future out there for you... I am certain of it. You ARE healing. I do think dropping the rope will happen organically. You have already started. Wish I could give you a hug IRL. Take good care of yourself and feel better soon. (((HUGS)))
That is so hurtful that the person you always thought would and should take care of you wasn't there when you really needed them. I feel like my dh did similar stuff, he was so wrapped up in his own stuff that he completely neglected me, and then I neglected him, and it turned into a vicious circle of both of us complaining our needs weren't being met but not even trying to meet the other person's needs. You say you're healing yourself, but you won't be able to heal your relationship (assuming that's what you want) without forgiving him. And it sounds like neither of you are willing to make that effort, at least for now. It sounds like you are both too stubborn to make the first tiny move? Maybe it's not what you want, but maybe if you're under the weather now isn't the time to be making big decisions.
Ovrr - Stupid emotions indeed. I need one of those coins they give you in AA which count the number of days since I last broke down in a weepy heap. This time it was 4 days. The longest I've managed is probably two weeks. I start to think I'm doing OK, then it hits. Not a tidal wave dragging me under like at the start, but more a quiet realization that I am still floating alone and there is still no sign of a shore. Glad you have the pooch. My H takes our dog as well whenever he has the kids.
DV - I'll take that hug. I really miss hugs. I've learned to live without the physical intimacy, but a hug, someone to put their arms around me and tell me it will be alright, god, I miss that.
Dilly - Although it may not sound it, I understand why he acted the way he did and I have forgiven him. I guess I was trying to make a point about how our emotions can play havoc with our memories - I was feeling down about the fact that I was ill and alone, all "woe is me" until I realized that towards the end, my H wasn't there for me. He was once, but not at the end. Instead, he went the extra mile just to make me feel bad about being ill. He was, quite clearly depressed so to a large extent he couldn't help but see any illness on my part as a failing, so I get it. He also couldn't (and still can't) show me he cares because he doesn't want to give me hope . I made the mistake at Christmas of thinking his stance had softened, we hugged (at my request) when he left and I told him I still loved him. He got teary, quickly wiped it away, then said he had to go. He got in his car. He has not mentioned it since.
It may sound like I didn't 180, but I did, for months I did the 'friendly neighbour' thing. I made sure I always smiled, conversations were smooth and not confrontational. It was all one sided. I would ask how his day was (fine) but he would never ask about mine. He would walk through the door and spend five minutes playing with our dog and barely acknowledge me other than to ask how the kids had been. It stopped hurting, but in order for it to stop hurting, I had to stop caring.
