Clinging to Hope

[hope2019]

I feel like I’m hitting restart again. I stayed out on Friday night and whilst it was nice to get out, I just kept getting these moments of “why did I allow myself to lose my identity and get to this point”, “why does he need to rush this divorce rather than giving us a chance”.

When I got home yesterday morning I forgot everything I had learnt, I cried, I questioned, I was frustrated, I wanted to know what this hope looked like. Basically it was like I read sandi’s rules and did the opposite.

The only meeting we have to have about the divorce is this Wednesday and then it will be final in 30 days.

I’m restarting today and really focusing on LRT. I re read that chapter. Reread the rules. This time I’m giving myself time goals to do it. My birthday is coming up soon so my first focus is to prove to myself that I can do LRT until then. By then it should become routine.

I’m also trying to have as little contact with him as possible. I no longer call or text. I hang out in my room when I’m at home. Which normally always makes him come in and start a conversation. I feel stupid. I know that when I pull back he comes to me, but I keep letting the desperate side of me win. I’m going to believe in myself from this point forward. I want to walk away from this knowing I have tried everything and right now I keep only trying it for short spurts. Consistency is key. Anyone have any advice for what to do when you are close to failing? I’m thinking I need to force myself to go walk or something but my anxiety always gets the best of me. I know what I need to do to grow but just struggling to put it into action.