He's got more remote over the years as his job has got busier and more stressful. And when the kids came along that was really hard for him I think, he even said something along the lines of how abandoned he felt when I had to focus on them instead of him. He used to give me presents quite a bit. He used to complain a lot, I know he did feel ignored and the harder he complained the more annoying I found it, talk about classic pursuer distancer. He was annoyed that he was the one who had to initiate things, I never used to express much of a preference about things so it was left to him to decide and often to act. I'm doing a 180 on that, I tell him if I have a preference and I will book restaurants etc if we go out. I decided on and booked this holiday at Easter, and told him all the flight details if he wanted to join us. So I'm being more proactive with things.
I don't know what he's looking for, I've kind of asked him but whenever I start an R talk he does the whole 'I don't know if I want to be married' thing which is too hurtful to listen to. Though last time it didn't sound at all convincing even to him! It was kind of funny actually. I'm pretty sure he's not DBing with the time thing, he's a massive control freak so the time thing is a reflection of that, he is obsessed with time because he doesn't have much of it spare. I've tried talking about how sorry I am and how I'm changing, but he believes in actions not words, so I'm not sure it helps at all. He does know I'm seeing a counsellor and that I'm finding it helpful but thinks it's 'not for him'. Maybe what he wants is to see consistency in both myself and himself in our new improved relationship with each other. I think he's terrified of going back to how things were, and he is an ultra cautious person so he won't want to ever get to this stage again because he would lose me for good if he came back and then this happened again. I think he's terrified of losing me. I don't know what it's going to take, to be honest, maybe I could ask in a no pressure way but I doubt he'll tell me, as you say he is super guarded. Things are going in the right direction for the most part, I suppose the next step would be to spend more time together, but right now he's very resistant to that (but I can understand that because his busy time at work is sucking all his time and energy and will do till April). Once that is over and he's recovered a bit maybe I will try pushing for more time, I feel more relaxed when we spend more time together so that would be helpful I think.
The kids: well ds2 refuses to go visit him at his flat, he did the first few weeks but then he put his foot down. So that's partly why dh comes back at the weekends, he wouldn't see ds2 otherwise. Ds1 visits him most Friday nights and they eat out and he stays the night, I'm not sure he's crazy about doing so but he loves his dad and was really upset when he left. We haven't said anything to the kids about him leaving really, it was just too difficult. I think I said that dad was having a hard time coping with work and needed to not have the commute and was going through a hard time personally and has a lot of difficult decisions to deal with. But obviously they know things aren't rosy between us. I'm not sure dh has said anything at all to the kids. It must be confusing for them, but with his job and his commute and him being horrible all winter, I think they got used to being confused. Plus they're teens so they are very wrapped up in their own worlds. I hope this won't scar them too much He does text them sometimes to say he loves them, this isn't something he ever did before. I know he misses them, even though when he lived here he would often ignore them and barely spent any time with them. I think he regrets that, and not being there more over the years perhaps.
I had another 2 dreams, one was quite disturbing and the other was quite funny. I feel like both of them were telling me to take care of dh's scared inner child, but also to not tell him what to do when he's incompetent. The last time I told him about an important dream, it seemed to have an indirect but large effect on him. So I will tell him these ones.
He does text them sometimes to say he loves them, this isn't something he ever did before. I know he misses them, even though when he lived here he would often ignore them and barely spent any time with them. I think he regrets that, and not being there more over the years perhaps.