Very very very rarely. He seems to see it as demeaning to apologise. If I was to wait until he actually turned up at my front door showing remorse and promising to do anything in his power to save the marriage, then I'd wait until I was dead. It is just not going to happen. And I need to work on (and I do address this in my IC) knowing this is about who he is and how impossible it is for someone as shame-driven as him to be so vulnerable, rather than about me and my worthiness and how important I am to him.
I am just so sad and afraid. I'm sad about having less time with youngest, and I am sad he won't be in the house if eldest is here. I'm sad. I am going through a really really hard time at work myself right now, and I just want a hug and someone to put the thought into how to care for and support me that I am putting into how to care for him.
I still have worries about the EA. We have spoken about it a fair bit, and I am as sure as I can be that it wasn't a PA (I discovered it and he blocked all contact with her - which was mainly electronic via text and email - though they did have several work lunches together) and I am sure as I can be that he is no longer in touch with her. Apparently she'd started to ignore his messages shortly before I found out. I believe that he isn't seeing her or messaging her right now - he seems to just work and sleep and little else - though he's lied to me before.
What goes around in my head is how he pursued her. Initiated lots of contact (from looking at their texts he always seemed more keen than she did), told her jokes, tried to impress her, told her he couldn't wait to see her again, told her she was a lovely person, etc etc. My heart has been aching to receive that from him for such a long time. And it still is. He does understand this - I was very clear with him at the time. And he was clear enough about what was happening for him - that he felt his role in the relationship was to manage my negative emotions, that it was a tireless and thankless task, that he didn't feel close to me, he just felt scared of my reactions to things, and he wanted something or someone for himself. I guess part of what is bringing this to my mind today is how hard I've tried this past week to show interest in his work, to encourage him, to give him moral support - all of that - and how vulnerable and hurt and just sad it makes me feel that he just doesn't feel that way about me. And that he's content enough to ask for things from me, but there's just nothing in his heart - nothing in him that thinks, 'my wife must be so sad and scared and hurt right now. How can I encourage her?' - and that just hurts me. it really does. This is so hard.
I don't know what to do with myself tonight really. I was okay earlier but now I'm just feeling so low and sad and bereft.
Well, what he did looked like an apology to me, maybe you need to redefine what an apology from him looks like? And you're right, that's about him and not you. Though people can change. Here, have a virtual hug, I know how hard that is to need a hug and not have the person you think should be there for you in your darkest time to give it to you. It gets easier, and you drag yourself out of victim mode a little more each week I promise.
The EA: it's not something you can control, and it's a symptom of what's going on inside him, not a reflection of reality. It's a fantasy, if must have felt like a big thrill and a big game to him, but it's not anything except a sign to what he felt he was missing out on. You are doing brilliantly with supporting him right now, and I know how hard it is to feel he's not reciprocating, but right now he's not really able to focus on your needs. Keep meeting his needs, and hopefully eventually he'll be able to meet yours. And deep down he knows how much he hurt you, but he can't face that right now. He's confused about how he feels about you, but don't assume he doesn't care for you, none of his behaviour right now indicates that. You said that he dislikes you earlier I think? I guarantee that's not true, you wouldn't ask for someone you dislike to text you or to go on a date. The anger and horrible things he said, that's him blaming anyone but himself for his problems, it's not you. But yes, it is so hard. This is the hardest thing I have EVER been through, but it does get easier over time as you get stronger.
