Hi everyone, I'm not actually a real newby here. I discovered this site about 9 years ago, when I was going through a terrible divorce, and it helped me through a very difficult period. But, life moves one. My ex married the woman he had an affair with, and they have moved away. I was in court for 7 years trying to get the retirement I was entitled to (married over 20 years), and finally succeeded. I have a great job, a great family, 7 grandsons. I'm financially comfortable. Nothing extravagant, but I don't have to worry about paying my mortgage and putting food in my stomach. Here's my thing:
I have no desire to "get back out there." I feel I am as happy as anyone around me, but inside I still think of my ex every day. I dream of him at night. I remember happier times. Am I nuts? I don't pretend that everything was wonderful. I am fully aware that I put up with a lot. He was an alcoholic, and could be emotionally abusive. In many, many ways, I know that I am better off at this time than I was for a long time during my marriage, so why am I still "mourning" the loss of my marriage? Does this sound familiar to anyone else out there, or am I just deranged??
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Welcome back! I was very surprised to see a posting from you after all of this time. You may remember me as "Snodderly" from back in the day.
I am so sorry that you had to fight for 7 years to get your portion of his retirement. At least that part of the process is over and done with and you can live comfortably and not look over your shoulder.
Of course, you are going to think of your xh for quite some time. You were married over 20 years and in those 20 years, you created a lot of good memories w/the man. It's not going to go away, but as time moves on, the pain will be less and less, but the scar will always be there.
Are you nuts? No, you are human and you are just reflecting back on those days that are gone. Mourning takes years and each person is unique in how they mourn. Some can completely move and not give it a thought and others, well...they mourn for a very long time. Don't second guess yourself. It will take as long as it takes to get through the grieving process.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think of my ex every day too. I don’t want him back, although I would want him to want me back. So maybe it’s a combination of recovering from trauma, betrayal, and also rejection.
I would imagine having to deal with a 7 year old court case makes it difficult to be indifferent as well.
I suspect that with alcoholism or addiction (especially when kept a secret) it’s harder to recover too. My ex was a secret high functioning addict and I notice that I am having a harder time healing then others here as well. It might be because with an addict there’s a lot of deflection and gaslighting, so recognizing your reality and what you are actually healing from can be difficult.
No rush in getting back out there. It sounds like everything else is wonderful in your life...plus you have 7 grandchildren!!!!! What a blessing.
Maybe the dreams about the good times with the ex are merely a manifestation of your desire for intimacy again? I know my widowed friend has those dreams mostly when she's in a mood to date (almost like an emotional wet dream). Consider that the dreams and thoughts about him might simply be you missing being in A relationship , not necessarily THAT relationship.
If you really think you just can't get over your selfish cheating alcoholic husband - consider reading the Alanon book The Courage to Change. Even though my ex was not an alcoholic, a friend gave me this book when my ex left and I found it helpful.
Now some people genuinely have no desire to be in a relationship after divorce and that's fine. But you might consider casually dipping your toes into the dating waters just to see how it feels. I will say every man I've dated since my divorce has been more appreciative of me as I am than my ex ever was and that's been wonderful.
Thanks for the words of encouragement. Most of the time, I'm fine, but there are those dark nights of the soul . . .I've often thought fondly of all my old friends on this site, and happy to see some are still here. Think I may stick around and see if I can help anyone else going through a rough patch.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
