Ah - that sounds so positive. Fresh air and exercise and positive experiences, no matter what your H is doing - and a sense that he's still interested in and engaging in your life, moving a little bit towards you, but you not relying on that. I so wish I was in that place.
What did you buy a new wedding ring for? For him? Was there a special reason you didn't want to tell him about it, or was it just bantering? It sounds nice you can have those jokes together.
Hope you enjoy the rest of your mini break and you have some nice spring weather. Where I am, it's a sunny day today so I plan to finish off a bit of work and get out on one of my walks. Want to make this a new habit.
I bought the wedding ring for me, I lost mine decades ago. I never replaced it because I used to have bad eczema on my hands and it was difficult wearing rings, but I have worked out what triggers that so rarely get it nowadays. I made a big fuss when dh left and I found his wedding ring, but he told me he stopped wearing it years ago, and actually it made me stop and think that maybe he has a point about not paying him enough attention, because I didn't notice. So I bought myself a new one. He asked me what the jewellery money was and I showed him the ring and he went hmm, and I said I hoped I got him going with the nose ring joke.
Bit of a difficult time today. I went out running with my friend and her gang and we had breakfast and a lovely time, then I went back via the jeweller to pick up the ring, then back home. Dh rang me when I was driving back and was stroppy about me not being home, but I was only about 10 mins after them. Then when I got back he was all grumpy, didn't give me a hug and said 'if you want to go for a walk I'm leaving in an hour' and then I got upset because I thought he was going to stay for the whole afternoon and he hadn't communicated his plans to me in advance. So I was so hurt I wasn't sure if I wanted to go for a walk so we had a bit of a row. He did his whole 'you have such an easy life, I work so hard' routine (which is true but he CHOOSES to work so hard) and I got out of the car and left because I can't do this routine any more. He came back and I said I'd missed him because I'd barely seen him lately and if we are going to repair our marriage we need to spend at least some time together. And he said he was tired and grumpy and he had been here since 8 but I hadn't. And then he said we could meet up for a walk tomorrow and I said let's do both, we'll have a quick walk now and then another walk tomorrow, which was ok with him. So we had a short walk and a catchup which was fine, then I got a proper hug goodbye and see you tomorrow.
So hmm. Not sure I handled that as well as I could, my default behaviour is to walk away and I have to stop doing that and come up with an alternative way to handle conflict and getting upset at feeling rejected. We did repair in the end but he wasn't as good at repairing as usual because he's exhausted. But then he's always exhausted. I did express my feelings as positively as possible, and I didn't get as upset as I have done in the past, so that was positive. And he did compromise with meeting up tomorrow, which is good.
Anyway, I feel calm enough now, going to go get some work done now and then make a roast dinner for the kids.
You know, it sounds like he wants looking after. Whether you think that is reasonable and it is something you want to do or not is up to you. And there's a very fine line between showing care and attention and looking after someone, and enabling their unsustainable life choices or untreated depression / SAD. And you know better than anyone here where that line is.
But it does sound like he was pouting a bit because he wanted you there and wanted to be included and wanted, perhaps, to think that you'd planned the day around him. Which is totally unreasonable and if he wants something he can communicate it to you like an adult.
But I wonder if he was exhausted and wanted coddling a bit? Was looking after him and coddling him ever a part of your relationship? Did you do too much of that, and you've pulled back during the separation? Could this be his clumsy way of asking you to come closer? It sounds like it really really bothered him that he turned up and you weren't there. And you know - yes, he should have said what he wanted and expected - but if you've always been the distancer perhaps he's dropped the rope too and he's waiting for you to chase him a bit.
My IC has kind of asked something similar I think. It is unbelievably hard to look after someone who has moved out though! Any ideas for how I do that? I might have been guilty of not looking after him enough, though that was partly because he made it soooo difficult to do (like he wouldn't tell me if he was coming home and then I'd make dinner and he'd get home late and say he was getting a takeaway, it was infuriating). But I would happily look after him more if I could find more ways...
I did wonder whether maybe he was miffed about me not being there when I usually am on Saturday mornings, we usually go for a walk together then. But I arranged this weeks ago, and I do need to see my friends occasionally.
I think I AM chasing him a bit, more than before certainly, but without pursuing and seeming desperate and needy and turning him off (it's a tightrope, I probably fall off sometimes). I send him texts and I reply to his fairly promptly. I ask about his many running injuries (and don't tell him they're self inflicted and how to prevent them). He cut his finger last night so I did the whole there there thing and was nice about that.
I just sent him a text saying that it would be really helpful when we meet if he could let me know in advance when he's going to be leaving if he has plans. He is Mr Punctual and will throw a fit if I'm ever late (and I have made huge, huge efforts to be on time or early for him since BD even though it is difficult for me) but he doesn't tell me when he's going to leave until we meet up, even when he has plans for later. And that makes me really insecure as we see today, not to mention I can't plan anything of my own! And I said how nice it was spending proper time with him last weekend and that I was looking forward to seeing him this afternoon but if I'd known in advance it would have been easier for me (and I think it would, I just felt really rejected by him essentially saying 'you've got an hour'). So I think that will be useful for me, and hopefully for him if I don't get upset. And then I thanked him for making the effort to come and see me at the event on Wednesday.
Oh yes - of course you can't coddle him when he's moved out and is so remote and busy and disengaged. And yes, you want to show him you're present and not distancing, but you can't do all the running. And you also can't - and probably shouldn't - enable the life choices that he is making that lead him to be so exhausted and irritable and without any time for the marriage.
But I wonder if you can phrase what you want and what you're willing to do in a way that might feel warm and positive to him. Something like:
'You're exhausted at the weekends and I want to see you and make sure we have proper time together to recharge and connect. Can you give me an eta as early as possible so I can be ready for you?'
Would that do? It feels to me like it's the right balance between being available and warm and clear but not chasing or pressuring - and also assertively asking for what you want, which is, if he's going to be huffy about you not being there, then he actually tells you when he's there...
Yes, I see what you mean, I find it hard to be warm and positive with him even though those are two of my natural attributes. He's good at giving me ETAs, in fact he's usually (always) early. I need an ETD. The issue I have is that he will turn up or I will turn up to a date and the first thing he tells me is what time he's leaving. I feel completely rejected and dismissed by that (especially as my LL is quality time!) and then me getting upset by that colours the rest of our meeting, which I don't want. Hence I asked if he could let me know ahead of time what time he will be leaving (because he is very busy and super time focused so he will definitely know but be expecting me to read his mind or not thinking I care). If he can do that then I can not have expectations which are too high (like today thinking we would spend the afternoon together instead of an hour). And as a result of that I won't feel rejected and then be all unbalanced (which upsets him) So it will be good for him too.
I didn't have time to tell him about my dream, I will try to remember to do that during our walk tomorrow. And maybe that could lead into me asking how I can support him better, because he has 2-3 very busy weeks coming up at work and I know he's exhausted already before that even happens, and that he seems to have problems sleeping and coping with work right now when it's not quite so busy. He did ask if we could go for a run for our date next week, followed by a meal. Our runs so far have been a bit of a pain because he's faster than me and won't slow down, so I have to be ready for speed training
Was he always so remote, Dilly? What was he like when he was the pursuer?
From some of the things that you say about him - like him wanting to end the interactions first, or at least control when they will end by telling you when he needs to leave - it almost makes me wonder if he is DBing you.
Have you ever laid your cards on the table? Given him remorse and an outline of what will change? Do you think he is waiting to see something in particular from you before he will open up again? I know you don't have R-talks and that this improves the general interactions from you. It's also clear he wants your attention and doesn't like it when he doesn't have it - and that he's willing to initiate dates etc. AND that he's very guarded. Do you think there's something in particular he is after, or is this just a case of needing more time?
How are his relationships with the kids and how does he talk about what he is doing and why he is doing it with them?
He's got more remote over the years as his job has got busier and more stressful. And when the kids came along that was really hard for him I think, he even said something along the lines of how abandoned he felt when I had to focus on them instead of him. He used to give me presents quite a bit. He used to complain a lot, I know he did feel ignored and the harder he complained the more annoying I found it, talk about classic pursuer distancer. He was annoyed that he was the one who had to initiate things, I never used to express much of a preference about things so it was left to him to decide and often to act. I'm doing a 180 on that, I tell him if I have a preference and I will book restaurants etc if we go out. I decided on and booked this holiday at Easter, and told him all the flight details if he wanted to join us. So I'm being more proactive with things.
I don't know what he's looking for, I've kind of asked him but whenever I start an R talk he does the whole 'I don't know if I want to be married' thing which is too hurtful to listen to. Though last time it didn't sound at all convincing even to him! It was kind of funny actually. I'm pretty sure he's not DBing with the time thing, he's a massive control freak so the time thing is a reflection of that, he is obsessed with time because he doesn't have much of it spare. I've tried talking about how sorry I am and how I'm changing, but he believes in actions not words, so I'm not sure it helps at all. He does know I'm seeing a counsellor and that I'm finding it helpful but thinks it's 'not for him'. Maybe what he wants is to see consistency in both myself and himself in our new improved relationship with each other. I think he's terrified of going back to how things were, and he is an ultra cautious person so he won't want to ever get to this stage again because he would lose me for good if he came back and then this happened again. I think he's terrified of losing me. I don't know what it's going to take, to be honest, maybe I could ask in a no pressure way but I doubt he'll tell me, as you say he is super guarded. Things are going in the right direction for the most part, I suppose the next step would be to spend more time together, but right now he's very resistant to that (but I can understand that because his busy time at work is sucking all his time and energy and will do till April). Once that is over and he's recovered a bit maybe I will try pushing for more time, I feel more relaxed when we spend more time together so that would be helpful I think.
The kids: well ds2 refuses to go visit him at his flat, he did the first few weeks but then he put his foot down. So that's partly why dh comes back at the weekends, he wouldn't see ds2 otherwise. Ds1 visits him most Friday nights and they eat out and he stays the night, I'm not sure he's crazy about doing so but he loves his dad and was really upset when he left. We haven't said anything to the kids about him leaving really, it was just too difficult. I think I said that dad was having a hard time coping with work and needed to not have the commute and was going through a hard time personally and has a lot of difficult decisions to deal with. But obviously they know things aren't rosy between us. I'm not sure dh has said anything at all to the kids. It must be confusing for them, but with his job and his commute and him being horrible all winter, I think they got used to being confused. Plus they're teens so they are very wrapped up in their own worlds. I hope this won't scar them too much He does text them sometimes to say he loves them, this isn't something he ever did before. I know he misses them, even though when he lived here he would often ignore them and barely spent any time with them. I think he regrets that, and not being there more over the years perhaps.
I had another 2 dreams, one was quite disturbing and the other was quite funny. I feel like both of them were telling me to take care of dh's scared inner child, but also to not tell him what to do when he's incompetent. The last time I told him about an important dream, it seemed to have an indirect but large effect on him. So I will tell him these ones.
Quick journal: we met up for a walk this afternoon. I was deliberately 10 minutes early and arrived at the same time he did. We had a really lovely, scenic walk. It was actually the same walk we did back in October but we are both in a very different place since then, so it was much less scary and much more warm between us. I didn't talk about the dreams or about anything R related because it didn't feel right at the time, just us and the kids and his work and stuff. It was lovely, I enjoyed spending time with him, and after we finished he said how nice it was, we had a big hug and got in our cars and drove away. I caught up at him at the roundabout and wound down my window and blew him a kiss and he smiled. I just sent him a text saying how much I enjoyed it. Progress.
This all sounds really positive Dilly. I think you're making really good judgements about when to have R talks and when not to, when to keep things light, and when to show him affection a bit.
What happens if you flirt with him? Is there any kissing?
He does text them sometimes to say he loves them, this isn't something he ever did before. I know he misses them, even though when he lived here he would often ignore them and barely spent any time with them. I think he regrets that, and not being there more over the years perhaps.