As job has said the manipulation by her Dad is obvious. job’s suggestion of getting her cell phone off his plan is a good one and removes one of those buttons he can push.
My own four kids all experienced their Mom’s threats and manipulations, and I the fear and anger that went along with that. The manner in which she blew up her’s, mine, and our kids’ lives was a tad extreme, however it left very little for her to use against us.
I’ve had many conversations with my kids ensuring them it is alright to feel all of what they feel, even the numbness of indifference. I know how hard it is to walk with four others emotion journeys when your own is all mixed up.
A few thing the five of us have found:
She is still your Mom. It is ok to love her. She threw us away. She is behaving irrationally and making poor desparate choices. She is a terrible role model. She offers no help. She has caused a lot of pain and grief. It is ok to not love her. It is ok to hate her, to be angry, to be sad. It is ok to feel sorry for her. It is ok to be kind and compassionate. It is ok to forgive her. She is still your Mom. It is ok to realize you actually do love her. And it is ok to not like her or her choices. It is ok to let go and live peacefully. She is still your Mom. It is ok.
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I know you have been at this much longer than I. At BD your children were younger than mine, and that makes this a lot harder in my opinion. The feelings of anger, hurt, rage, and such, are completely justified and real.
Focusing on just the question and plead of why can’t I get rid of this anger. The advice I would offer, is that which has been so very benifical to me. Feelings are fleeting. Let them flit.
Feelings and emotions are born within our irrational side. We control ourselves, our actions and responses. Emotions and feelings do not fall under this “control”. We control logic and reason. The intellectual side. The actions and responses.
Feelings will happen, will be triggered, or born for a variety of causes. The love, happiness, anger, lust, despair, joy, sad, etc... all irrational. How we respond or act on these feelings is what we control.
The triggering of an angry response to one’s spouse’s actions can be looked at and reasoned out. This detaches the spouse’s action from your feeling. At first it just allows one to quell those angry feelings and thoughts. Continued efforts and time will disassociate the two. It is then, that one can find the intellectual understanding and emotional acceptance of why one is angry. When one has both of these, anger is abated.
We control our intellect. We accept our emotions.
Control of Intellect provides reason and logic. Reason and logic provide understanding. Accepting of emotions leads to kindness and compassion. Kindness and compassion leads to empathy.
With understanding and empathy one can find forgiveness and peace.
E, I wonder what does your destination look like? What are you heading for? Forgiveness?
I am sure you do not want this reaction to exH and the winter coat to be how it is, how things are to be. Just as much as I am sure I am over simplifying this for illustration. When behaviours are not getting the desired results - try something else. Make a change with what is within your control.
You know what you can control regarding your anger. You also know you cannot control D16; I can’t control mine either. She controls herself.
You could have conversations with her, and yourself (not as crazy as that sounds btw), about moving forward towards achieving your destination and goals. Something that is well within both of your controls.
Peace and forgiveness is very much worth the effort and struggle to learn; and is not contingent on the actions of someone else. That is a lesson I am very proud and happy to have learned.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
She controls herself.