Paco and FS -thank you for your notes. I don't want to leave them unanswered. I'm finding I need to step back for a few days to really ruminate over some stuff in my life.
Short story is that I've found myself in a strange land of having an intense crush on someone and attempting to reel in my emotions. I know logically that I'm at a particularly vulnerable place, and need to stay the course in processing my grief over my M. However, these new emotions put a wrench in my calm intent to stand for my M.
I have not done anything and the person I'm crushing on is not pursuing either. She is likely unaware, which is good, so this is a crush from afar. On one hand it's nice to have the feelings of a crush - it's exciting, and human. On the other hand, I do of course love my W and I'm struggling to prioritize an unknown future over short-term fun. It's difficult when I'm so frustrated with W and what she has done to not just walk away completely.
I'm happy enough being "single" (separated), and have no desire to date. I don't want a R with anyone other than W in the near future. I'm quite clear with myself on that.
I'm just working on keeping this crush as a mental-only thing. A fun little distraction in my mind only. I still wish to stay committed to the M until at least our 6-month separation point. That's the point we can be legally D, and I do not know if W will have proceeded with this process or not. Right now we're at the 4-month S mark. I feel that's the point in time for me to check-in with myself on how I'm feeling.
Again - Paco and FS - I'm thinking of you both. I'm going to take a few more days off then come back and consider and comment more on what you have both written. For now, I'm going to buy some hair dye. New me
