Oh yes - of course you can't coddle him when he's moved out and is so remote and busy and disengaged. And yes, you want to show him you're present and not distancing, but you can't do all the running. And you also can't - and probably shouldn't - enable the life choices that he is making that lead him to be so exhausted and irritable and without any time for the marriage.
But I wonder if you can phrase what you want and what you're willing to do in a way that might feel warm and positive to him. Something like:
'You're exhausted at the weekends and I want to see you and make sure we have proper time together to recharge and connect. Can you give me an eta as early as possible so I can be ready for you?'
Would that do? It feels to me like it's the right balance between being available and warm and clear but not chasing or pressuring - and also assertively asking for what you want, which is, if he's going to be huffy about you not being there, then he actually tells you when he's there...
