MLC husband

[DnJ]

Hello kate

I do believe there are some gender-based differences with the MLCer and LBS. However any generalized summations of the behavioural types lead to a non-determinable predictor of outcome. What the h3ll am I writing? I actually was attempting, and thought I was accomplishing, to simplify my thoughts. I think I need to try again! I guess I could just backspace this away, but I had a good laugh at myself, maybe someone else will as well.

What I am trying to say: MLCers behave irrationally. Some will leave their kids, some will not. Some push for divorce and others will slog their way along. Both genders exhibit the same traits, it is very much an individual thing. Once crisis hits, male or female, they are off the rails, and who knows where things are heading.

For the LBS we are not quite so irrational. We all start out hurt and scared. As we start to heal, the ingrained societal roles of man and women start to re-establish. Some stereotypical responses may occur, like more men quit standing than women for example. As stated for the MLCer, this is very much an individual thing. We are all a product of our upbringing. Depending on many factors, coping skills, unconditional love received as a child, etc... one may grow and push beyound what we know and become more. Again, no one gender is significantly different in this respect.

I believe that most of the MLCers eventually face this growth and possible becoming more. They have to get passed the running and start to heal, and that takes time. However, statistics for this life event, for MLCer or LBS, are hard to come by and far from representative of the complete picture.

What is pretty interesting is the similarities between MLCer and the script they seem to follow. Also that they seem to relive past trauma, inflicting their pain onto others, like their children. Again anecdotal evidence, but that’s all we got.

For what it’s worth. My W is inflicting past damage from her parents (Mom particularly), on to her children. And she is in denial and unable, and unwilling, to see it. Just like your H.

W threw away her children. Her Mom did the same to her when W was 18. W doesn’t speak to her children. Her Mom hasn’t spoken to W since her and I were married, 27 years now, that’s a long time to remain silent. Around 5 months after BD on my way home from work, W called me and asked (probably more demanded) me to get the kids to speak to her. I tried to explain her actions to her (it was futile btw), telling her how she was doing exactly what her Mom did to her, she was now doing to her kids.

That was met with angry astonishment. I still can hear the incredulousness in the words through the hand free phone.

Me - You are behaving like <Mom’s name>.
W - I am not like my Mom! She is the one not talking to me!
Me - And you are not talking to the kids.
W - No! It is the kids who are not talking to me!
Me - But what are you expecting? You are the Mom.
W - They will talk to me.
Me - Maybe. You’ve been 25 years. They could take 30.
W - Fine. They will reach out!
Me - Really!?! Three decades! When your almost 80?
W - They’re the ones not talking, I can wait.

It was like talking to her Mom. I expect you can see your H’s mother’s behaviour mirrored in him. It is spooky how similar they act, and how unaware they are of it.

DnJ